Your Move, Waffle House by @SirEviscerate


Waffle House has been a staple of Southern cuisine for as long as I can remember. A 24-hour diner style restaurant, its greasy, low-priced grub is popular with both the Sunday afternoon church crowd and 2 a.m. drunk rednecks alike.


A favorite at Waffle House is their hash browns, which can be ordered plain, or with a number of mix-ins and toppings, each with its own descriptive name:


Scattered – Plain

Smothered – Onions

Covered – Cheese

Diced – Tomatoes

Chunked – Ham chunks

Capped – Mushrooms

Peppered – Jalapenos

Topped – Chili


As far as I’m concerned, that’s a pretty good start. But Waffle House can take it to the next level if they have the balls to add my hash brown improving suggestions to the menu.


Beaten- 2 eggs, scrambled and buttery


Boned – An 18 oz T-bone steak, cooked medium rare


Fingered – Six crispy deep-fried chicken fingers


Banged – A pair of British bangers (pork sausages)


Eighty-sixed – Italian meatballs, just like Mama used to make in the Old Country. Nearly 7 dozen of them.


Cornholed – An Alabama State Fair-sized corn dog, a full 18 inches long, just kind of jammed all up in there


Shitfaced – A shot of Tennessee whiskey sprinkled over the top


Confused – The shifty-eyed short order cook will spike your order with ketamine when no one’s watching


Abused – An actual Vietnam-era U.S. Army Drill Sergeant will shout a non-stop barrage of insults and threats to your hash browns for a full 5 minutes


Lycanthromorphized – A frightened, underpaid waitress with iron gauntlets will hold up your hash browns to a snarling werewolf chained out back, allowing them to be bitten and Turned


Educated – The University of Phoenix will award an honorary doctorate degree to your plate of non-sentient shredded potatoes


Masturbated – (Do not order this.)


Devastated – Before preparing your hashbrowns, the potatoes will be allowed to witness their youngest children overdose on heroin before being distilled into vodka


Defenestrated – Tossed out the window and scraped off the parking lot back onto your plate


Gerrymandered – A group of bigoted politicians will re-divide your hash browns’ voting district and enact legislature requiring photo ID to attempt to disenfranchise them


Haunted – A centuries old poltergeist, the vengeful soul of a Native American whose burial ground the Waffle House headquarters building displaced, will curse your hash browns to a lifetime of torment and suffering.


Polished – Regular hash browns, but with a -ski at the end.



Your move Waffle House.



Sir Eviscerate currently resides in Tennessee, and frequents Waffle House more often than he would care for you to know.


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