Waffle House has been a staple of Southern cuisine for as long as I can remember. A 24-hour diner style restaurant, its greasy, low-priced grub is popular with both the Sunday afternoon church crowd and 2 a.m. drunk rednecks alike.
A favorite at Waffle House is their hash browns, which can be ordered plain, or with a number of mix-ins and toppings, each with its own descriptive name:
Scattered – Plain
Smothered – Onions
Covered – Cheese
Diced – Tomatoes
Chunked – Ham chunks
Capped – Mushrooms
Peppered – Jalapenos
Topped – Chili
As far as I’m concerned, that’s a pretty good start. But Waffle House can take it to the next level if they have the balls to add my hash brown improving suggestions to the menu.
Beaten- 2 eggs, scrambled and buttery
Boned – An 18 oz T-bone steak, cooked medium rare
Fingered – Six crispy deep-fried chicken fingers
Banged – A pair of British bangers (pork sausages)
Eighty-sixed – Italian meatballs, just like Mama used to make in the Old Country. Nearly 7 dozen of them.
Cornholed – An Alabama State Fair-sized corn dog, a full 18 inches long, just kind of jammed all up in there
Shitfaced – A shot of Tennessee whiskey sprinkled over the top
Confused – The shifty-eyed short order cook will spike your order with ketamine when no one’s watching
Abused – An actual Vietnam-era U.S. Army Drill Sergeant will shout a non-stop barrage of insults and threats to your hash browns for a full 5 minutes
Lycanthromorphized – A frightened, underpaid waitress with iron gauntlets will hold up your hash browns to a snarling werewolf chained out back, allowing them to be bitten and Turned
Educated – The University of Phoenix will award an honorary doctorate degree to your plate of non-sentient shredded potatoes
Masturbated – (Do not order this.)
Devastated – Before preparing your hashbrowns, the potatoes will be allowed to witness their youngest children overdose on heroin before being distilled into vodka
Defenestrated – Tossed out the window and scraped off the parking lot back onto your plate
Gerrymandered – A group of bigoted politicians will re-divide your hash browns’ voting district and enact legislature requiring photo ID to attempt to disenfranchise them
Haunted – A centuries old poltergeist, the vengeful soul of a Native American whose burial ground the Waffle House headquarters building displaced, will curse your hash browns to a lifetime of torment and suffering.
Polished – Regular hash browns, but with a -ski at the end.
Your move Waffle House.
Sir Eviscerate currently resides in Tennessee, and frequents Waffle House more often than he would care for you to know.