Your Move, Waffle House by @SirEviscerate

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Waffle House has been a staple of Southern cuisine for as long as I can remember. A 24-hour diner style restaurant, its greasy, low-priced grub is popular with both the Sunday afternoon church crowd and 2 a.m. drunk rednecks alike.

 

A favorite at Waffle House is their hash browns, which can be ordered plain, or with a number of mix-ins and toppings, each with its own descriptive name:

 

Scattered – Plain

Smothered – Onions

Covered – Cheese

Diced – Tomatoes

Chunked – Ham chunks

Capped – Mushrooms

Peppered – Jalapenos

Topped – Chili

 

As far as I’m concerned, that’s a pretty good start. But Waffle House can take it to the next level if they have the balls to add my hash brown improving suggestions to the menu.

 

Beaten- 2 eggs, scrambled and buttery

 

Boned – An 18 oz T-bone steak, cooked medium rare

 

Fingered – Six crispy deep-fried chicken fingers

 

Banged – A pair of British bangers (pork sausages)

 

Eighty-sixed – Italian meatballs, just like Mama used to make in the Old Country. Nearly 7 dozen of them.

 

Cornholed – An Alabama State Fair-sized corn dog, a full 18 inches long, just kind of jammed all up in there

 

Shitfaced – A shot of Tennessee whiskey sprinkled over the top

 

Confused – The shifty-eyed short order cook will spike your order with ketamine when no one’s watching

 

Abused – An actual Vietnam-era U.S. Army Drill Sergeant will shout a non-stop barrage of insults and threats to your hash browns for a full 5 minutes

 

Lycanthromorphized – A frightened, underpaid waitress with iron gauntlets will hold up your hash browns to a snarling werewolf chained out back, allowing them to be bitten and Turned

 

Educated – The University of Phoenix will award an honorary doctorate degree to your plate of non-sentient shredded potatoes

 

Masturbated – (Do not order this.)

 

Devastated – Before preparing your hashbrowns, the potatoes will be allowed to witness their youngest children overdose on heroin before being distilled into vodka

 

Defenestrated – Tossed out the window and scraped off the parking lot back onto your plate

 

Gerrymandered – A group of bigoted politicians will re-divide your hash browns’ voting district and enact legislature requiring photo ID to attempt to disenfranchise them

 

Haunted – A centuries old poltergeist, the vengeful soul of a Native American whose burial ground the Waffle House headquarters building displaced, will curse your hash browns to a lifetime of torment and suffering.

 

Polished – Regular hash browns, but with a -ski at the end.

 

 

Your move Waffle House.

 

 

Sir Eviscerate currently resides in Tennessee, and frequents Waffle House more often than he would care for you to know.

 

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