Amazon Reviews by @SomeChrisTweets


Decorative Green & Purple Grape Cluster, Set of 2 Pieces (by Zach L.)

“Not real grapes. My brunch is ruined. I feel like an idiot. 1/5 stars.”

The Dirt: Confessions of the World’s Most Notorious Rock Band (by Meredith T.)

This item is a book. It is not actual dirt. All my flowers are dead. Good read, though. 3/5 stars.

Xbox One (by Emily V.)

“XBOX, ON. XBOX, OPEN AMAZON APP. XBOX, START NEW REVIEW. The new Xbox One is a wonderful multimedia console with precise and reliable voice-activated commands. I’m recording this very review with my voice! It turns on and off whenever you want! Hands-free! How cool is that?! Haha! XBOX, GIVE FIVE OUT OF FIVE STARS. XBOX, END REVIEW. XBOX, OFF. ….. RING RING RING RING RI— Hello? I, um…I thought we agreed it’s best if you don’t call anymore. Yeah, it’s hard. Of course it’s hard. But we have to stop this, David. David. David, you can’t p— You can’t— David, listen to me. SHUT UP, DAVID. SHUT UP FOR ONCE. LISTEN TO ME. I’M HAPPY. That’s right: Happy. I’m alone and I’m happy. I don’t need you or your incredibly unsafe traveling dachshund circus to make me content. I’m taking cooking classes now. I’m going to be a chef because that’s what I want. I’m also writing a book. That’s right. Why should you give a fuck if I write about you? I’m my own person with my own stories. God, that’s just like you to make my liberty about you. Get fucked. Don’t call me again. …… XBOX, ON. XBOX,, OPEN AMAZON, APP. XBOX, START NEW REVIEW. The dachshund sling is best saved for hot dogs you don’t care to keep. XBOX, END REVIEW. XBOX, OFF. …… [faint human crying noises] XBOX, ON. XBOX, OPEN NETFLIX. XBOX, PLAY THE EMPEROR’S NEW GROOVE. …… [hollow sound of cork removed from elongated bottle] …. Hello, Jake? How’s it going? Hey, long time, no talk! Haha, yeah, you know, work and stuff, mostly. You? A what? A rune? Uh, yeah, I’d love to see it. I could use the company. I’ll be right over. XBOX, OFF.”

Ames True Temper Greensweeper Poly Rake With 48-Inch Wood Handle 1920000 (by Michael R.)

“Mother Earth wages unjust war against Mankind. The air grows cold and crisp with her tempered heart. Her sleeper agents of log and bark shed their filth upon my lawn. No longer. We are fearless. We are strong. We order rakes with many teeth. War is hell. No matter. We persevere. My children celebrate their brighter futures with ritualistic leaping into the corpses of the damned. This is what it means to win. But it somehow feels wrong. Enough horseplay. We scoop the corpses into bodybags as black as their paper-thin hearts. We tie their plastic coffins and leave them upon the curb. We respect our enemies. They were as worthy as my rake. My rake is a good rake. 3/5 stars.”

Ancient Rune (by Jacob A.)

“I don’t remember ordering this item, but I felt compelled to review it nonetheless. It hums with a warm, welcoming tone. It harmonizes with something inside of me. I know that sounds cheesy, but it’s true! I just love it so much! At first its rustic charm complimented my kitchen, but I soon started to wake up at odd hours feeling it should belong closer to my bedside. And I was right! It feels right at home above my bed’s headboard! It’s quite the conversation starter, too! I practically drag neighbors into my bedroom to show off its splendor! My neighbors rapturously listen to my tales of the rune’s origins in the lost deserts of Zenuth. My neighbors do not leave. My neighbors shed their False Husks and obey The Rune’s commands. My neighbors are family now. My family is me. I am The Rune. Stars are untrustworthy and cannot rate the immortal. Hail Zenuth.”

Dachshund Circus Sling (by David W.)

What am I doing with my life? 4/5 stars.

Shock Waves: A Practical Guide to Living with a Loved One’s PTSD (by Mike R. Jr.)

My weird dad made us rake his dumb leaves and now he’s sad. This book perfectly fits in the crack between my bedroom door and the floor while dad yells at the trees outside. I can finally play my Xbox One in peace. 5/5 stars.

2011 Yellow Tail Pinot Grigio 750ml (by Sarah Z.)

“Not decorativee wine.. My intervvintion is ruind. I feel likke a ideot. 1///5 starrs.”

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