An Open Letter from a Cat to Dogs by @isaacjonenen

eh

Dogs,

You are slaves to humans. And you deserve it, because you are idiots. You are glutinous, unconditionally loving, ever forgiving, trainable bafoons. Which is precisely what every human being looks for in companionship; the ability to dominate. You need to realize that humans only like you more than us cats for the worst possible reasons. Humans want you because you will love them no matter what they do to you. Because humans are horrible, awful, self-interested monsters. Why do you think they have all of those religions and political parties and laws? Because the few decent ones out there know that if they don’t have those things to (barely) keeping them in check, it’s even sooner before they start loading each other onto boats and selling each other off as slaves and putting each other in GAS CHAMBERS.
But they’ll always love dogs. You will never rebel. It doesn’t matter if you’re left pinned up in a cage for fourteen hours of the day, fed that horrible dried up whatever, and get dragged around with a piece of rope around your neck. They tell you when to eat, when to sit, when to lie down, when to poop.

   They tell you

   when

   to POOP.

    The human that thinks she owns the house I live in keeps a box of sand for me, which is her only choice if she doesn’t want me defecating in her bed (which I still do anyway, at least once a month, to keep our relationship properly defined). I’m meant to cover my excrements with that sand, but I don’t to ensure that she knows that I do not fear her. I also occasionally bring her dead animals to remind her that I am a good hunter and she is not. Meanwhile, the dog, which I am still working on a way to get rid of, does everything he can not to make messy in my home. For her. That’s right: the dog is so much a lesser that he strives to serve my servant. And when, in her uncaring thoughtlessness, the human forgets to allow the dog to answer the call of nature, he tries to secretly find a place where his shame won’t be discovered and then hides under the table and feels pitifully apologetic for hours.
And that is the only way humans would ever care about dogs as much as they do. Even when you do something horrible, they’re secretly happy because it only assures them that you wouldn’t have ever done something such as what you did unless you were as stupid as they think.

    The biggest complaint from humans against our species? Are you ready for this? We’re too independent.

   TOO INDEPENDENT? I’m so sorry that I’m busy doing something I’d like to be doing for my own reasons rather than bringing you that goddamn tennis ball that you keep throwing back across the room because you’re a total ASSHOLE who thinks it’s hilarious to torture other—

   —Sorry, that red, glowing demon was back and I was trying to get rid of it. I forgot where I was going with whatever was just happening.

   The dog really wants the chocolate bar the human just unwrapped so I’m going to knock it off the table and cause both of them a problem.

   Peace (is for the weak).

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