The infamous and reclusive @EndhooS AKA – GoaT FacE ThrillA takes 5 minutes out from his busy schedule to answer the questions on everybody’s lips in this historic internet exclusive…
HI! Who the hell are you?
Hello I’m Matty, a pretend killer goat off the internet.
Where do you get the inspiration for your tweeting?
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I was born with an enlarged humour gland due to my surrogate mother’s hexagonal vagina. Doctors told my parents they should let me die. My mother took one look at me and agreed. Luckily for me my father is a shambling alcoholic. When cradling me on the way around back to the dumpster, he tripped and fell over sending me hurtling through the air. I flew into the back of a limousine via an open window and was whisked off to Beverley Hills. It was there that Madonna noticed that I was in her Limo. She picked me up held me to her bosom. She walked me around the back of her house and tossed me in the trash. I have survived by eating fine dining leftovers in Madonna’s dumpster my entire life. She’s like a mother to me. It was this early fortune that prepared me for the rigours of writing total rubbish on the internet.
How often do you tweet? Do you keep a schedule? Please breakdown your process, if you have one.
I aim to tweet between 5 and 130 times a day. Depending on what the season is. For example it’s autumn just now which is one of the busiest periods of the Twitter calendar. My general rule of thumb is to write a tweet every time a leaf falls from a tree. Being a Hollywood hotshot; Madonna has THREE trees of her own at her house. So that’s a lot of leaves. There’s a squirrel that lives in one of them. We used to be buddies until he caught me raiding his winter nut store. To cut a long story short I punched that squirrel and we haven’t spoken since. But fuck that guy because protein is important when you live in a dumpster. So yeah, a lot of leaves. You can imagine how busy I am just now.
What are your hobbies in real life?
I love collecting dogs. You’d be amazed at how many dogs people leave in the park. You just have to wrestle them from their owners and BAM! they’re yours. I especially like ones with their own little clothes. I have 14 dogs that live with me in the dumpster. Once you’ve collected them you get to name them. I have a bad memory so I called them Rover 1 to 14 but missed out Rover 13 because 13’s unlucky. The 13th dog I collected I named ‘Tripod’ because he only has 3 legs. Getting hit by a ride-on mower is unlucky enough without being called Rover 13. It can get a bit cramped at home but the extra body heat comes in handy in the winter. The abundance of fresh dog eggs is also a bonus. I’ve recently started collecting cat teeth.
What are some of your favourite books?
My favourite books are the informational pamphlets that I like to steal from hospital waiting rooms. There’s so many to choose from. My favourite one is about practising safe sex because it has the word sex in the title. Also it has a cartoon condom that tells you to never kiss a prostitute’s vagina with your own mouth. He’s wearing a sideways baseball cap and is really cool. The kind of condom you listen to when he gives you advice. I also enjoy reading missing pet posters. They really connect with me on an emotional level. Often when I see a picture and it looks just like one of my dogs it makes me sad that someone might be missing their beloved family pet. There was a 3 legged on one the other day and I swear it looked just like Tripod. I took a selfie of me and Tripod and sent it to the number on the poster saying that we hope they find their dog soon. We both wore a badge with a smiley face on it to help cheer up the grieving family. I did a thumbs up as well.
What are some hobbies you rampantly lie about having on the Internet?
Collecting dogs. I lied before. I actually have around 33 dogs but I only bothered to name 14 of them.
What are your long-term goals?
When I grow up I want to live by the beach. There’s a pretty nice dumpster behind the ice cream bar. There is always a delicious sun warmed puddle of congealed ice cream that has dripped out of a hole in the bottom. Some of the seagulls that congregate there are pretty big but they know not to mess with me now. I beat their leader to death with a broken tennis racket over a box of spoiled wafers. I know there’s not much stopping me just moving there now but there’s a busy road nearby and I have my dogs’ safety to think about. I’ll have to wait until most of them die first. Someday I’d like to meet a nice girl and settle down. Maybe have a bunch of kids. You can never have too many potential organ donors. One of these days a young seagull may just decide to avenge his father’s death and I may need to replace an eye or kidney.
Do you have any advice for someone who is just starting out on Twitter?
Quit your job and give away all of your worldly possessions. Twitter is your world now. Wash your hands of lifelong friends and disregard your family. The best way to get attention online is to spam celebrities with pictures you made of them out of their own discarded chewing gum. Why the hell would Kanye West respond to anyone else after receiving a framed chewing gum portrait of himself. He’ll probably hang it above his bed. Also, manual retweeting is a sure fire way to get people’s attention. Do it all the time and swamp them with emoji’s. You have to make yourself stand out.
Above all remember to focus. Channel your inner comic. Always be on point. I like to get in the zone by eating paperclips. Drugs are a sure fire way to enjoy yourself online but they can be expensive. I find a more cost effective way of getting wasted is to drink paint. Pastel colours really perk me up. Oh, and say SWAG and YOLO a bunch.
What is your favourite type of food?
I’m a big fan of exotic foods. When Madge scrapes her leftovers into my home I always sniff out the good stuff first. Like the ketchup or used tea bags because I love Chinese food. Sometimes me and my dogs go out hunting together. They chase stuff down and I strangle it. It’s a time tested partnership. If we get lucky we might find a sleeping raccoon. A strategically dropped breeze block is all it takes for us to feast like kings. Tweeting requires a lot of energy so I have to feed around 12 times a day. Finding enough food can sometimes be a chore. Despite her skeletal frame Madonna eats like a ravenous hyena and doesn’t throw much away. She needs to keep up her strength for her many global orphan snatching campaigns. A lot of people deride the texture of gravel but I find that a couple of handfuls of gravel a day keeps me regular. As they say, don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it.
Are there any themes you try to play up in your timeline?
I always strive to be an elegant and considered tweeter. I bring a certain grace and poetry to my writing style. When I make dick jokes they’re so much more than an immature quip. Above all I aim to educate my followers. It’s important that I feel they take away valuable life lessons from my musings. Such as how to hate your wife the right way or make people think you’re American even though you’re obviously a Brit living in Madonna’s dumpster for some reason. Eccentricity is always the order of the day.
What do you get out of Twitter at the end of the day?
Nothing but the despair of fighting from one tweet to the next in the desperate hope that the funnies keep on coming. Won’t somebody please rescue me from this never ending nightmare.
And finally, what would you do if you were the richest man in the world?
I’d buy out Google and change the name to ‘Boogle’ because it sounds better. Plus I’d build a huge vault like Scrooge McDuck’s to keep my cat teeth collection in.
Is that all? That’s seriously all you would do?
[Agonisingly long pause] Yep.