I hate eating healthy with every brittle bone in my body.
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) November 18, 2014
You never hear about a serious goose.
— Mr. Casey Anthony (@TotallyAllen) November 18, 2014
The last novel I read was Six Hours Of Text Messages Between My Son And The Girl He Likes.
— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) November 18, 2014
I like my eggs the same way I prefer to die: Over easy
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) November 19, 2014
To think America trusted our television dad who played a gynecologist who practiced in his basement.
— JEN KIRKMAN (@JenKirkman) November 18, 2014
Sorry I'm late, I put lotion on then tried to put on skinny jeans and my nails also weren't as dry as I thought they were so I gave up.
— erin mallory long (@erinmallorylong) November 18, 2014
1. Place teabag in cup.
2. Add boiling water.
3. Wonder if you smell lavender.
4. She loved lavender.
5. Did she love you?
6. Remove teabag.
— Operators Manual (@manual_txt) November 19, 2014
Tips for making children feel bad:
1. Why are you still reading this you monster
— Ristolable (@Ristolable) November 19, 2014
Just once, I'd like to open a hotel minibar "Intimacy Kit" and find one long piece of spaghetti.
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) November 19, 2014
At the water park snack bar that Katy Perry and Meghan Trainor work at in my mind, Katy is super mean to Meghan
— Carey O'Donnell (@ecareyo) November 19, 2014