SHE'S high maintenance — and HE works in maintenance. Coming this Fall to ABC Sundays: The Princess and The Janitor. ABC: Who gives a shit?
— Ristolable (@Ristolable) November 3, 2014
In that car commercial, Matthew McConaghey is actually just listening to a CD of himself talking like he does during all his commutes.
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) November 3, 2014
Daylight Savings ending sucks. It gets dark at like noon, it's really damp, everything is echoing wait I think I fell in a well again.
— philippe iujvidin (@philyuck) November 3, 2014
If a person says "First thing's first" and you don't think "I'm the realist" you are a CYBORG
— Kendrick LaBlart (@Hamptonyount) November 2, 2014
Throw caution to the wind. The wind throws caution back. You're the best wind dad ever.
— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) November 6, 2014
"If it's not in a police report it didn't happen." – white dudes
— Adam Wilson (@theleanover) November 4, 2014
During any 24-hour period, James Franco has, without a doubt, told a woman he needed to draw her.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) November 2, 2014
Writing my cat's resume in Times Mew Roman
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) November 5, 2014
Seasonal affective disorder is so effective it only took a day to kick in
— dustin.d.marshall™ (@DustinMartian) November 4, 2014
Not much of a "genius bar" if you idiots can't even make a martini.
— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) November 5, 2014