He’s Back by @primawesome

A MAN walks into a hardware store. He closes the door behind him and approaches the OWNER standing behind the counter.


OWNER: Well howdy there. What can I do for ya?


MAN: Yeah hi I’m looking to build some shelves for…


OWNER: (interrupting) Shelves huh?


MAN: Um, yeah. I’m looking for some…


OWNER: (interrupting) Aw I don’t know nothing bout no shelves.


A hooded man wearing a robe enters the store and begins walking to the back. He leaves the door open behind him.


OWNER: Hey now, close that door. You born in a barn?


The hooded man turns to the owner and reveals his face. He is JESUS.




OWNER: Oh. It’s you. Sorry, Jesus.


JESUS: I forgive you.


Jesus continues walking to the back of the store.


MAN: Why is that guy dressed like Jesus?


OWNER: Thas Jesus. Hey you should ask him bout them shelves. He’s a damn fine carpenter.


MAN: You’re telling me that’s actually Jesus?


OWNER: Yep he turned my water cooler in into a wine cooler last week. I had to get a liquor license. He’s even got them stigmato holes or whatever in his hands.


Jesus returns to the front of the store with some supplies in a basket. The man stares at him for a moment.


JESUS: Hello.


MAN: You’re Jesus?


JESUS: That’s me.


MAN: Like, Jesus Jesus? Son of God Jesus?


OWNER: Show him your hand hole thingies. Hey, do you think if we high-fived the hole would make a whistle sound?


JESUS: I don’t know, we could try.


They do and it does.


OWNER: Awesome.


JESUS: Indeed.


MAN: What are you doing here?


JESUS: Shopping.


MAN: No, I mean, here on Earth.


JESUS: Carpentry. I’m getting back to my roots.


OWNER: This fella here wants to build some shelves.


JESUS: I would be happy to help you with that.


MAN: Never mind the shelves. Who else knows you’re back? Why is no one making a big deal about this?


JESUS: It’s really not that big a deal…


MAN: (interrupting) It’s a huge deal! This is the South! You’re on like 90% of the billboards here!


JESUS: I’ve been meaning to ask them to take those down. I’m not really a fan of being hung up on display to make a point.


OWNER: Sorry, Jesus.


JESUS: I forgive you.


MAN: So, you’re just here to do some carpentry huh?


JESUS: Yes. Shall we get started on those shelves?


MAN: Yeah, I guess. Why not?


The DEVIL walks into the store.


MAN: Oh come on. You here to be a carpenter too?


DEVIL: Naw, dude. Law school. (to owner) You guys sell those judge hammer thingies?



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