He’s Back by @primawesome

A MAN walks into a hardware store. He closes the door behind him and approaches the OWNER standing behind the counter.

 

OWNER: Well howdy there. What can I do for ya?

 

MAN: Yeah hi I’m looking to build some shelves for…

 

OWNER: (interrupting) Shelves huh?

 

MAN: Um, yeah. I’m looking for some…

 

OWNER: (interrupting) Aw I don’t know nothing bout no shelves.

 

A hooded man wearing a robe enters the store and begins walking to the back. He leaves the door open behind him.

 

OWNER: Hey now, close that door. You born in a barn?

 

The hooded man turns to the owner and reveals his face. He is JESUS.

 

JESUS: Yes.

 

OWNER: Oh. It’s you. Sorry, Jesus.

 

JESUS: I forgive you.

 

Jesus continues walking to the back of the store.

 

MAN: Why is that guy dressed like Jesus?

 

OWNER: Thas Jesus. Hey you should ask him bout them shelves. He’s a damn fine carpenter.

 

MAN: You’re telling me that’s actually Jesus?

 

OWNER: Yep he turned my water cooler in into a wine cooler last week. I had to get a liquor license. He’s even got them stigmato holes or whatever in his hands.

 

Jesus returns to the front of the store with some supplies in a basket. The man stares at him for a moment.

 

JESUS: Hello.

 

MAN: You’re Jesus?

 

JESUS: That’s me.

 

MAN: Like, Jesus Jesus? Son of God Jesus?

 

OWNER: Show him your hand hole thingies. Hey, do you think if we high-fived the hole would make a whistle sound?

 

JESUS: I don’t know, we could try.

 

They do and it does.

 

OWNER: Awesome.

 

JESUS: Indeed.

 

MAN: What are you doing here?

 

JESUS: Shopping.

 

MAN: No, I mean, here on Earth.

 

JESUS: Carpentry. I’m getting back to my roots.

 

OWNER: This fella here wants to build some shelves.

 

JESUS: I would be happy to help you with that.

 

MAN: Never mind the shelves. Who else knows you’re back? Why is no one making a big deal about this?

 

JESUS: It’s really not that big a deal…

 

MAN: (interrupting) It’s a huge deal! This is the South! You’re on like 90% of the billboards here!

 

JESUS: I’ve been meaning to ask them to take those down. I’m not really a fan of being hung up on display to make a point.

 

OWNER: Sorry, Jesus.

 

JESUS: I forgive you.

 

MAN: So, you’re just here to do some carpentry huh?

 

JESUS: Yes. Shall we get started on those shelves?

 

MAN: Yeah, I guess. Why not?

 

The DEVIL walks into the store.

 

MAN: Oh come on. You here to be a carpenter too?

 

DEVIL: Naw, dude. Law school. (to owner) You guys sell those judge hammer thingies?

 

THE END

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