How to Pick Up a Dude at the Bar by @carlyken


You might think the quickest way to a guy’s heart is your make-up. And you’d be 100% correct. Men are incredibly judgmental when it comes to the latest trends in cosmetics. So impress him with your vast knowledge of upcoming facial fashions and make your own personality pop. Use watercolor paints to portray a calm, muted demeanor. Try your hand at clown makeup to display your sense of humor. Be creative. Have fun. (He’s not really looking at your face anyway.)

*Fun Prank Idea: Wear so much make-up he doesn’t even recognize you in the morning. Then pretend to rob him at gun point. Guys love women with a sense of humor and bonus: you’ll get a new wallet and you get to see how he reacts under pressure*

The most important thing to remember is that dudes don’t care. They don’t care if you have a boyfriend, a girlfriend (that might actually help, in some cases) a husband or a baby daddy in jail. They just want the chance to sweep you off your feet. Right into bed. And this is usually how the most successful relationships begin. In bed. So look available. Look as available and desperate as possible. Carry a striped flag that says: “ATTENTION: I AM VERY DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION.” I saw this work in a bar recently. Better yet, if you have access to a button maker, print a button that says, “Attention Whore.” Two birds, one stone.

You don’t have to be the prettiest girl at the bar to get all the attention. You just have to be the loudest. Pick up your bullhorn…oh you didn’t bring it in? Go back to the parking lot, pop the trunk of your 2004 VW Bug with the super-cute flowers on the dashboard and grab the one you’ve been keeping in your trunk. Remember you have to compete with the jukebox/DJ, his friends/girlfriend/boyfriend so ladies, use every advantage you have.

Now if the makeup and the sign and the button and the bullhorn don’t work he’s probably blind. And deaf. And mute. You’re going to need a miracle worker. So build a time machine. Travel back to 1888, Boston. Go to the Perkins School For The Blind. Ask for Anne Sullivan. Tell her I sent you and ask her what it’s going to take for her to follow me back on Twitter.

Now that you have a time machine you can go back to the beginning of the evening. Same bar, different dude. You’re going to want to look for an easier lay. Start with the guy in the TapouT shirt. He’ll sleep with anything to prove to himself and his bros that the one crazy night in Las Vegas with Spencer is never ever going to happen again. Rinse and Repeat above steps until you find your Prince Charming.


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