Since it’s officially the start of the holiday season and everyone is in stress mode, I’d like to show you it’s going to be alright. I promise. Here’s my holiday present to you. (Even though I’ve never really met any of you)
So, without further a due, here’s Kim’s Holiday Advice!
1) Whether your single and your relatives ask when you’re getting married, or you’re married and they ask when you having kids/more kids – you now have the right to stick a turkey baster up their ass. No questions asked
2) If you are picked to say Grace, try to avoid saying things like, “bless ALL you muther fuckers” or “I am so grateful for my third nipple” .. Keep it clean.
3) Make the first person who has explosive diarrhea wear reindeer antlers. Make their digestive problems festive.
4) Don’t try to show off your kids/grandkids by making them sing, dance or tell jokes. This will only lead to your drunk aunt stabbing you with a fork. And by drunk aunt I mean me.
5) If you receive a gift you don’t like, DO NOT throw it immediately in the garbage. You could possibly hurt someone’s feelings. So if you forget and do it anyway, just tell them the garbage is where you keep all your treasures.
6) Never. Ever. Ever play a Christmas album of anyone who is under the age of dead. Stick to Bing, Sinatra, Dean Martin because if you don’t, I hope you are the one who gets explosive diarrhea.
7) When leaving someone’s house – if you aren’t going to see someone until after New Years – do not say “See You Next Year!!!” It does get old and now you’re the family asshole- so congrats!
8) Eat everything put in front of you without complaining or saying it’s too much- no one likes a cry baby, Nancy.
9) Don’t come in with a dessert and say “this is my World Famous Cheesecake!!” or whatever it is you made. You’re not God, you asshole.
10) And lastly, if your family has a grab bag and your gift is shower curtain rings or something else of equal stupidity you will be asked to leave immediately.. but not before I hurl eggnog at your head
Good luck out there my beauties and remember the Holidays are only once a year. Follow these rules and you will survive. Happy holidays from one asshole to another. Xo