Most kids are raised in a home with at least one parent or guardian, my story, however, was written in a slightly different way. I, Karl, was born to a family unknown to anybody. My parents could be dead for all I know, maybe they never even existed. Anyway, my first memory as a child was being carried by the scruff of my underpants by a brown bear AKA mom. I may not have had a traditional upbringing but nevertheless my family loved me as their own. I had a mother , an absentee father, & 3 bear cub siblings. Growing up was not easy after I was done suckling bear milk from my mother’s teat. I don’t have fur & had trouble chewing raw meat with my baby teeth.
Now I’m not sure what age I am at all, but what I assume was 4 years after my birth I left my bear family & set off to figure out why I was so naked & smart. I quickly found civilization & figured out what exactly I was. I spent the next 3 years of my life stealing pies off of windowsills & clothes off of clotheslines. I did pretty well for myself. I knew how to forage for food & I lived in the trees quite comfortably. I was a dirty little boy, rarely bathing my gross little boy penis in the nearby creek, & never once cut my wiry hair. Around the age of 7 I taught myself to speak & read & right. I would sit outside people’s windows at night & listen to them talk of things like “where are we going to hide the body” & “the Mac n’ cheese was delightful tonight dear.” Eventually I got my grubby little hands on a book. It was a porn magazine but still very much educational for a young lad. I quickly learned what the human world was like outside of my woods. I learned about boobs & stuff, & I decided that I had to assimilate with the rest of my furless kin.
It was a crisp October morning when I walked up to a group of police officers.
“I live in the woods” I grunted at them
“What the fuck is that? Oh god did it just talk?” One officer questioned.
They soon put me into foster care. I was adopted by my two gay Korean dads & they raised me through my adolescent years. I went on to do great things like lose my virginity eventually & also I invented the chicken sandwich. I’ve moved out on my own eventually but to this day I still long to be living in the woods, still eating nuts & berries & smelling animal shit all the time.
Okay that was my childhood story you can stop reading now.