Origins of Black Friday by @SirEviscerate

The establishment would like for you to believe that the day after Thanksgiving is called “Black Friday” because it is the day that retail stores depend on to break a profit in the calendar year, moving their ledgers from the “red” ink into the “black”.

 

But the real story is much darker than that.

 

In November of 1887, 23 year old Alvah Roebuck, a tinkerer from Hammond, Indiana, answered a help wanted ad for a watchmaker based out of Chicago, Illinois. He was invited for an interview within a week.

 

Not knowing what to expect, young Roebuck made the trip north to one of the biggest cities in the world. There, he met the man who would change his life forever.

 

The interview went well. The interviewer, the owner of the company, was impressed with Roebuck’s skill and dexterity. He was invited to join the owner’s family at Thanksgiving dinner, where they would discuss plans for the company’s future.

 

The dinner was pleasant but uneventful. A roast turkey and trimmings were enjoyed by all. The wine flowed freely. It was unseasonably snowy, and the owner insisted Roebuck stay the night.

 

Things got a little weird the next day. The owner woke Roebuck up at 3 am and brought him down to his basement. There, Roebuck was surprised to see a circle of lit candles, and in the center a chained up goat.

 

“I can promise you wealth and prosperity beyond your wildest imagination, Alvah” he was told. “Money, women, the finest cigars. All these could be yours. But I need to know I can trust you.”

 

The owner held out a sharp, curved knife.

 

“Seal our partnership in blood. Sacrifice the goat to the Dark Lord Satan, and the world will be our plaything as long as we shall live!”

 

Young Roebuck, broke, frightened, and tempted by riches, was unable to decline the offer. He performed the odious deed, slitting the poor goat’s throat in a satanic ritual called a Black Mass.

 

Roebuck and his new partner, Richard Sears, would indeed be very successful. Together, they founded the company you know today as the department store Sears.

 

Every year, retail stores throughout North America commemorate Sears, Roebuck, and the Dark Lord Beelzebub by offering doorbusting deals at jaw-dropping prices on the Friday after Thanksgiving. Every dollar you save is a monetary “Hail Satan!”

 

@SirEviscerate has not, nor will he ever, participate in the unholy ritual of Black Friday. He far prefers the unholy ritual of Cyber Monday, which can be done in his underpants from the comforts of home. Follow him on Twitter.

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