My client, Ray [REDACTED], (aka @SirEviscerate), has agreed to make an appearance on your little podcast.
Mr. [READACTED]’s wit, charm, and humility are in very high demand, and it is no small honor that he has deigned to be a guest on your show.
We will contact you to make arrangements for a recording date as soon as we have received a signed and notarized form agreeing to the terms of the attached rider. Every request must be satisfactorily fulfilled before the recording. I’m sure you’ll find that it is both fair and consistent in the industry, given the magnitude of my client’s talent.
1) A case of Evian bottled water, chilled
2) A dish of wild cherry throat lozenges
3) A selection of at least 2 dozen microbrews, none with a rating lower than 95/100 on Beer Advocate
4) A bottle of 50 year old scotch, and a Twizzler with the ends bitten off to use as a straw
5) Six puggles (pug/beagle hybrids) and six puggles (baby platypi)
6) A room wallpapered in glossy full-color headshots of my client’s Twitter avatar
7) A cassette tape of someone yelling at my client in German
8) A bead curtain made of diamonds
9) Travel accommodations in a private jet with a luxury class car inside to get from one end to the other
10) A man with three balls who is also an expert in finger foods
11) Papa John to personally prepare a pizza, and Peyton Manning to throw it 40 yards into my client’s mouth
12) The clucking bunny from the Cadbury Creme Egg commercials
13) A pube straightener
14) The last white tiger riding on top of another last white tiger
15) An effeminate Vietnamese man to whom my client can give a pedicure
16) A panda milk log flume
17) An ice sculpture of Tom Selleck
18) That one elephant that does paintings to paint scenes from Titanic, but in my client’s own re-imagining.
19) Mariska Hargitay
20) Alex Trebek on a replica Jeopardy set and he has to tell my client he’s right every time
21) A map of Burma held up by my client’s first girlfriend until her arms give out
22) A concert skinflautist
23) A sword for my client’s s’mores
24) Adam Levine to chew up my client’s food and feed him like a baby bird
25) One person to hold a Q-tip in my client’s ear, and six people to rotate him around it
26) A second genie
Please do not waste my or my client’s time if you will be unable to procure any of these items. We forward to a successful collaboration.
Ted Danson (yes, THAT Ted Danson),
Professional Twitter Celebrity Manager