The Bard, The Swan of Avon, Poppa Sweet-Tongue – all nicknames for one of the most influential and mysterious figures in the history of civilization: William Tintin Shakespeare.
Scientist say it would take the NASA supercomputer 100,000,000 light-years to read all the poems he wrote, and twice that many monkeys and years to organize all the papers. He invented thousands of common colloquialisms such as “keep ya hips loose,” and “nobody freak,” but very little is known about the actual man.
Paleontologists have done their best to patch together theories about Shakespeare’s life from the fossils but up to this point what we know about him has been extremely limited. That was until a recent discovery in a witch’s cellar located in the sleepy English village of Briar-Brixmill ‘pon Langerfield. A scroll has been unearthed that appears to be the only interview of The Bard ever recorded and the information within is destroying our previously held ideas about what William Shakespeare was really like.
We present that interview now, unedited, but with a warning for those with delicate sensibilities because he swears a lot a lot:
Interviewer: Where were you born?
Shakespeare: In a shitty shithole outside of Briartown that smelled like old dick soup.
Interviewer: Did you get along with your parents?
Shakespeare: Shit no! My dad was a fuckface and my mother just left me in a pile of sticks one night and never came back.
Interviewer: So how did you start writing?
Shakespeare: I used to fuck around a bit, hustle down at the sea dock. The sailors would pay me a dollar to write them jerk notes.
Interviewer: Jerk notes?
Shakespeare: Yeah, like a little story to get their dicks flowing. Something they could sneak down below and swab the deck with, you know what I mean? Mostly I just wrote about fucking mermaids but eventually I started experimenting with like paternal ghosts and pentameters and whatnot.
Interviewer: So when did you make the transition from “jerk notes” to the theater?
Shakespeare: I started like most playboys, writing the fuckshows.
Shakespeare: Yeah! Don’t you know anything? The nipplies? clIMAX? The masturbator theeator? It’s where you go when you want to see a theatrical performance that tickles the mind AND the dickhole. I got a decent reputation around town for writing a good jerk note and it wasn’t to long before the fuckshow promoters tracked me down. After that I worked in sexhibitions for a few years before I decided to go legit.
Interviewer: How did that transition begin?
Shakespeare: Well I realized that the real classy folks, the ones with rubies and satin, don’t go for that. They want to feel sophisticated when their boners get wet. I just give the people what they want, here is your sexmurder but oh don’t worry it’s in a sonnet, that shit appears discreetly on your bill.
Interviewer: What has been your proudest moment as a playwright?
Shakespeare: Beethoven fainted because all the blood ran to his dong, that was a pretty cool day.
Interviewer: You’ve been prolific for your entire career, how do you do it?
Shakespeare: Definitely not cocaine pills and a voice that commands me to either write or burn myself.
Interviewer: Thanks so much for your time. Any suggestions, as a fellow writer, on how to dismount from this mess gracefully?
Shakespeare: Naw this is fucked up, bro.