Singles Day by @SirEviscerate

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The biggest online shopping day of the year isn’t Black Friday or Cyber Monday. It’s November 11, or 11/11, a holiday known as Single’s Day in China.

 

It was conceived by a group of college students in the mid-90s as a day for the unattached to celebrate themselves. A middle finger to Valentine’s Day and similar international holidays for making the romantically uncoupled feel second-best.

 

It started simply enough, with a tradition of going out for drinks and karaoke and more or less trying to get laid. At some point, however, it became wildly commercialized. Advertisers promoted 11/11 as a day to splurge on a big-ticket item for yourself.

 

Alibaba, the Chinese equivalent of Amazon, was set to make an entire fuckload of money. And that’s exactly what they did. Last year, they sold 5.75 billion dollars of goods. This year, they sold their first $1 billion 17 MINUTES into Single’s Day, and wound up totaling over $9.3 billion.

 

By comparison, Americans spent a total of $1.2 billion online on Black Friday in 2013, and $1.7 billion online on Cyber Monday.

 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want in on some of that action. So I’m declaring a new holiday.

 

I call it Fuck You I Don’t Need You I Don’t Need Anyone Day.

 

I’ll just randomly pick a day out of the year and say July 7th. Every July 7th, anyone who has ever had their heart broken by anyone should buy something their ex specifically told them they couldn’t have.

 

Want a falcon, but Maureen always told you no? Go get you a falcon. Get a buncha falcons. Fuck Maureen.

 

Want a pair of thigh length, high heeled calf-skin boots, but Keith said they were too impractical and expensive and kind of ridiculous looking? Keith is right, but who cares? Fuck Keith. Go on and get your silly ass baby-leather boots.

 

Now, this is the important part. You are not properly celebrating FYIDNYIDNA Day until you also make a donation of 5% of your purchases to the creator of the holiday’s PayPal account. It’s a small price to pay for the freedom of owning superfluous bullshit.

 

You’re welcome.

 

Sir Eviscerate swears that it’s just a coincidence that July 7th is the anniversary of his failed marriage. Follow him on Twitter: @SirEviscerate

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