Stop Showing Off, Nature by @pleatedjeans


Okay nature, we get it. You’re beautiful. Congratulations. Now get over yourself. Because honestly, it’s starting to get a little old. All those dense, wooded forests? Shimmering dew-dropped meadows? Romantic, picturesque sunsets? Please. The whole thing smacks of desperation.


Seriously, has anyone ever told you that modesty is a virtue? How about leaving a little bit of it up to our imaginations, huh? You know, maybe try keeping those big, majestic mountains tucked away below the earth’s crust once in awhile? I think you’ll find that a little mystery goes a long way, sister.


I’m not asking for much. Like for example, instead of covering all those rolling hillsides with brilliant yellow daffodils as far as the eye can see, how about just leaving them covered in deep trenches of snow for awhile? And I’m not talking a peaceful blanket of perfect white snow, either. I’m talking brown, muddy sludge. You know, the kind that accumulates on the side of the road after a snowstorm. That kind.


Or better yet, skip the snow. Dirt. What’s so wrong with good old-fashioned, ordinary dirt? No, it’s not as colorful as a field of bluebonnets. Or as roll-downable as a field of soft, St. Augustine grass. But guess what? It gets the job done. That hill’s got to be covered in something. Why not dirt? That’s all I’m saying.


Now, is that too much to ask? I don’t think so. So come on, do us all a favor and stop showing off, okay? I swear, you’re like the Harlem Globetrotters of biological phenomena.


And what is up with all this diverse wildlife? Thousands of unique species? Come on, do we really need that many? I need cows to eat and cats to pet – THAT’S IT! The rest is just icing on the cake. So come on, tone it down will ya?


AND RAINFORESTS!? More than 50 percent of all plants and animals crammed into less than 2 percent of earth’s livable ecosytems? Come on, now you’re just trying too hard.


Oh, and evolution. I bet you think you’re pretty smart, don’t you? Figuring out how to assemble millions and millions of microscopic cells into me, a higher life-form with enough intelligence to have self-awareness. Pfft. Big deal. I could do that if I wanted to.


Do you want a medal? Is that it? Because if that’s what it’s gonna take, so be it. Nature, in honor of your supreme awesomeness and unfathomable beauty, I hereby bestow upon you the Big Fucking Deal Award for being the Most Beautiful and Amazing Thing On Earth.


There. Is that what you wanted to hear? Good. I’m glad. Now do us all a favor and CUT IT THE FUCK OUT!

Because if I see one more rainbow in the mist of a secluded waterfall, or a solitary elk eating grass in an open field at dusk, I think I’m gonna lose it.

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