I am really hungry
but I’m on the last episode Bojack Horesman so I might as well finish it…
that was weirdly unsatisfying and yet I can’t wait for the next season.
honestly Will Arnett wasn’t a good choice for voicing Bojack. Someone like Jon Hamm would have been nicer.
I probably just have a man crush on Jon Hamm.
either way he would have been better.
wait, I’m hungry. I should make—
oh my god House M.D. is on Netflix? I was planning on watching that again. The first season is horrible, but…
that just means I’ll have to watch it really fast.
did they change the theme song for Netflix?
did they change all the music, or did it always sound like a Hallmark movie?
this is significantly worse than I remember the first time around, but I’m still a sucker for Gregory House’s one-liners.
okay, that was definitely the actual theme song in episode five in the opening credits, but a fake one for the ending credits, what the heck is going on?!
oh man that hospital food looks gross
no it doesn’t it looks amazing why does it look amazing
oh my god it’s because I haven’t eaten all day
what can i eat that won’t require work but will make it look like I put a slight amount of effort into it
peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
why don’t I have any bread
I guess i’ll go to the store to buy some bread
why is traffic so bad
there are a lot of sirens
do i hear screaming
everyone is getting out of their cars and running
where is everyone going what a bunch off–
WHAT THE FUCK SOMEONE IS TRYING TO BREAK MY CAR WINDOW WITH HIS HEAD WHY DOES HE LOOK SO MESSED UP
OH MY GOD THERE ARE MORE
I THINK THEY’RE FUCKING ZOMBIES
I THINK THIS IS A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF A GODDAMN ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
SHIT FUCK THERE ARE SO MANY HELP OH MY GOD
THEY’RE GOING TO BREAK THROUGH THE WINDOWS AND TRY TO EAT ME AND ALL I HAVE IN DEFENSE IS AN ICE SCRAPER
OH SWEET JESUS WHY WASN’T I A REDNECK
WHY DIDN’T I GIVE IN TO MY MIDWESTERN AMERICAN ROOTS AND DRIVE A PICKUP TRUCK WITH A SHOTGUN IN THE BACK SEAT AND A POCKET KNIFE AS BIG AS MY CELLPHONE ON MY BELT
HOW COULD I HAVE EVER THOUGHT THAT WAY OF LIFE WAS THE ANSWER
I MIGHT HAVE EVEN HAD A DEAD DEER ON THE TRUCK BED THAT THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN DISTRACTED WITH AND GONE AFTER INSTEAD OF ME
I’D AT LEAST HAVE HAD A CONFEDERATE FLAG TO CRAWL UNDER AND HAVE A LONG CRY UNTIL IT WAS ALL OVER
okay it’s been like five minutes and these shits aren’t getting any closer to being inside my car.
car windows are made of really strong glass I suppose
actually they’re just bashing their own heads in and dying.
is this how a zombie outbreak is really going to happen? they’re all too stupid and weak to actually break into things?
this is really, really gross.
i am going to have to step all over all of that nasty shit when I get out of my car.
oh my god how long am i going to have to sit here
i didn’t bring my laptop with me
this is actually worse i wish they had broke my windows and ate me
wait i have netflix on my phone
goddamn Hugh Laurie is a good looking old man
how did I ever think Olivia Wilde was hot
I think I might be gay
oh man it’s the episode with the super fine model chick no I’m not gay
I forgot the twist is that she’s actually a man so am I gay again? why am I being so ignorant and black-and-white about this I’m actually offending myself
here I am, discovering my newfound potential homosexuality in my car surrounded by the (strangely rapidly escalated) aftermath of a zombie apocalypse and all I can think about his that I am SO GODDAMN HUNGRY
also my nose is runny
it’s runny because I was crying, did I mention that? it happened when I thought zombies were going to eat me
there’s probably a napkin in the glovebox
wait what is that
a package of ramen noodles
why is that there
I could cook it when i get home
well i guess i could have done that at home in the first place
I mean I have an entire box of the stuff at home
how am i going to get home
there’s a lot of dead nasty things everywhere
and i’m pretty sure i’m blocked in by other cars
well I guess I should at least try—
NOPE NEVER MIND THEY’RE ALL STILL ALIVE OMG
WERE THEY NAPPING OR SOMETHING
DO ZOMBIES NAP
they’re not getting up
they’re just on the ground making noises like Tina from Bob’s Burgers
this is the laziest zombie infestation ever
this is the worst
what is that
sounds like trumpets or something
maybe it’s a rescue party?!
why is it so loud
it sounds like it’s coming from… everywhere
the sky is lighting up
OH MY GOD IT’S JESUS
HE’S SMILING AT EVERYTHING
IT’S THE RAPTURE
THE FUCKING RAPTURE IS HAPPENING
AM I SAVED?
THE ANGELS ARE COMING DOWN AND PICKING UP THE ZOMBIES
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING THEM
WHAT ABOUT ME
IS THIS A JOKE
IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE
A ZOMBIE RAPTURE
THEY JUST TRIED TO FUCKING EAT ME HOW ARE THEY CHRISTIAN
and they’re all gone
i didn’t make the cut for the rapture but the flesh eating monsters did
at least i can get out of my car–
the ground is shaking
what is happening
FIRE IS SHOOTING OUT OF EVERYWHERE OH MY GOD HELL IS COMING TO EARTH
IS THIS THE END OF EVERYTHING?
OH MY GOD SATAN JUST CRAWLED OUT OF ONE OF THE FIRE HOLES
HE’S LEADING IS EVIL ARMY TO MARCH THE PLANET
I’M SO FUCKED
OH MY GOD THEY’RE COMING THIS WAY
WHAT ARE THEY DOING
THEY’RE CARRYING BLACK BAGS
NO DON’T REACH INTO THE BLACK BAGS
WHAT’S IN THE BLACK BAGS
ARE THEY GOING TO READ ME MY SINS
MAKE ME SIGN A CONTRACT
IS IT THE BILL FOR MY EXISTENCE
THEY’RE WRITING ON THEM
ONE JUST PUT ONE OF THE PAPERS UNDER MY WINDSHIELD WIPER?
it’s a parking ticket
they’re putting parking tickets on all of the cars
what the hell
this shit is whack
i’m not paying that
and i’m eating the package of ramen raw
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