- Choose employment based on things you like – i.e. “I love coffee, I’ll be a barrista!” – this is a great idea and guaranteed never to blow up in your face. It will not make you eventually hate everything you once loved about coffee. You won’t trawl the darkest corners of the ‘net in the middle of the night, searching for a way to destroy coffee, until one day your mom finds you slumped over your keyboard, your corpse stinking up her basement.
- Don’t ever compliment/smile at/talk to a stranger and if a stranger ever does any of those to you, start running in the opposite direction immediately. You don’t want to end up as a lampshade in some person’s living room. This is a very bad way to make new friends or brighten someone’s day or get a new job or expand your cultural horizons or have any fun at all. Just stay inside and watch FOX News all day, like God intended.
- Murder your imagination it has no place in your life. Everything is black and white, no grey areas. Ever. Most certainly do not ever try to picture what another person’s life experience is like, you don’t need that compassionate bullshit in your life.
- Stop reading books once you leave school, books are bullshit. You can’t learn anything from them, you can’t escape to another world with them, and you certainly cannot have fun reading one. The only book anyone needs is The Bible.
- Take everything seriously, get offended on the regular. When you’re riding those waves of outrage, immediately go online and write crazy-angry posts to whomever displeased you. This is the most effective way to handle your anger and let that person know they’re a giant turd factory of wrong.
Basically, I want you all to understand that adulthood is where dreams go to die. So shove that stick up your butt, put on that suit and tie, and never have any fun again.