Did you just start a new job? Is it in an office with people? Lots of people? All over? OMG WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PEOPLE HERE? Well here’s a guide to what your cubicle says about you, so you know who to join forces with and who will throw you under a bus within 5 hours of knowing you.
The lady who has more plants than a botanical garden: This lady has a small cubicle that contains 4-17 plants. All real. And all need constant watering. This lady seems kind but don’t leave your water bottle unattended at any point in the day or she will steal it to “feed her babies” without even blinking an eye. She will also rat you out to your boss at any given moment simply because her backstabbing only makes her plants that much stronger until they are strong enough to take over your company and make her the CEO (this is her plan. It’s always her plan. beware)
The girl who has pictures of pop stars all over the walls: This girl is most likely 12. WHO HIRED HER? HOW DID A 12 YEAR OLD GET A JOB AT YOUR COMPANY? Steer clear of her because she is probably a felon on the run or Tom Hanks from Big.
The messy cubicle: This guy likes to party. Hard. And he has the genital warts to prove it. (DON’T let him show you them though.. just take his word for it) He’s good for a happy hour or to organize someone’s going away party but don’t ask him any questions regarding work because he most likely hasn’t turned on his computer in 4 months. Oh and he also smells like cheese ALL THE TIME.
The neat organized cubicle: Do yourself a favor and stay away from this asshole at all times.
The guy who has no personal items at his desk: This guy is private. He comes in to do his work and doesn’t socialize. Don’t expect him to go to the holiday party or to a department lunch. Don’t expect him to exchange presents around the holidays or to be there for you if you are having a bad day. This guy also takes up two parking spaces when he parks, brings his lunch every day and enjoys a good dog meme from time to time. He once rode his bike into a lake and had a tadpole stuck to his ball sack for 2 months without knowing it. TWO MONTHS. (I overheard him on the phone with his doctor- shut up) You don’t need to get mixed up with this guy. Trust me.
The person who has an over abundance of personal pictures at their desk: “Oh hey Susan! Is this your cat? Is this your niece at her first birthday? Is this when you and your mom went skiing last year? Is from this your cousin’s water birth?” This person WANTS you to ask them about these pictures. They want to tell you everything about what happened before, after and during the time this picture was taken. Never ask them anything. Walk by them with your eyes closed. Never make eye contact. Ever! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE SEVERITY OF WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY???? I AM SAVING LIVES HERE, PEOPLE!
In summary: DO NOT BE FRIENDS WITH ANYONE AT WORK. OK?