Yelp Reviews, by Kids by @carlyken

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Playing Outside:

“My mother suggested I try ‘playing outside’ today. She had heard from a neighbor that some of the kids were trying it and it came highly recommended. Unfortunately, these kids couldn’t have been more wrong. The Wi-Fi was atrocious. For example, it took me almost an hour just to post this. My DS wouldn’t connect at all and when I tried to sit down and mess with it I saw a bee. A real bee. Luckily I had my epi-pen because I could’ve DIED. I mean, I don’t KNOW that I’m allergic but I could be. Holy crap. Yuck.”

-Brayden H., 9

 

“I went to my cousin’s farm and we tried kicking a ball. Like, wtf seriously? Um it wasn’t even 3D so I don’t think I’d do it again unless they can improve the graphics. I would give ‘playing outside’ 1 out of 5 stars tbh.”

-Sophia A., 7

 

“My mom took my tablet away and made me go outside. I didn’t know what to do with my hands. Would not recommend.”

-Britta, 4

 

“I look at nature and I’m like, ‘Wow, I am so lucky to have a body and to breathe and to be able to look at this nature type stuff.”

-Willow Smith, 14

 

At The Beach:

“I got wet. It was weird. I mean, I live next to The Great Barrier Reef in Australia but if I wanted to see it I’d just put on The Nature Channel or something idk.”

-Liam, 7

 

“My parents made me build a sand castle. I wanted to make a Dora castle but my mom forgot my shapes and wouldn’t go to the store for new ones so the day was pretty much ruined. I bet if Whitney’s mom forgot her sand castle shapes she’d go buy new ones. I wish I was Whitney.”

Ella, 5

Other Kids’ Birthday Parties:

“My mom told me that Sky Zone Trampoline Park was booked through March. So we went to Chuck E. Cheese for my birthday. It was okay. My dad felt super guilty that he had to work all weekend so he paid for unlimited tokens for everyone. We had pizza. Then the Chuck E. Cheese guys in costume came up and announced my birthday and everyone cheered. It was a hit. But then. OMG. Lukas had his March birthday at Sky Zone Trampoline Park. So. Was my mom lying? Did she drop the ball? Like, what happened? Did she wait until January to book even though I TOLD HER ABOUT THE THREE MONTH WAITING LIST? I don’t know what to think. It’s making me question some other things. Like, what else is she lying about? When she told me the Tooth Fairy doesn’t leave money for teeth with cavities. Has she just been pocketing my cash this whole time or what? I don’t know if I can ever trust her again.”

-Ashton, 8

 

“I went to a Spider-Man themed birthday party this weekend. Sounds great, right? Um, no.

  1. We didn’t get bitten by a radioactive spider.
  2. We didn’t even visit New York City.
  3. Did we have a guest star? Stan Lee? Tobey Maguire? Kirsten Dunst? No.
  4. Guess what we happened instead.
  5. We made spider webs with dental floss and cotton swabs.
  6. We ended up with a Spiderman piñata full of gluten-free granola bars and apple slices.
  7. We watched The Dark Knight. (That’s totally weird, right?)”

-Jaxson, 7

 

“I wanted a princess themed party. I told all my friends. I HAVE DIBS ON FROZEN. Like, seriously. I’m the blondest and the prettiest. But, no. Olivia, with her dark hair and golden skin thinks she can usurp me. Guess what though? I told all of our friends that they’re dead to me yes DEAD TO ME if they go to her Elsa party. I’m the only Elsa here. Obv. So anyway. Yeah she’s crying or whatever. But she should’ve known there’s only room for one Elsa in this third grade classroom.”

-Bella, 8

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