Your first day as The Batman: A Survival Guide by @economybacon


Welcome to your first day as The Batman. First of all, we would like to extend our condolences over the lost of your parents in that alley 20 years ago. Remember, you are here to seek revenge and NOT for the thrill.

You have been away for a while, training your body to the peak of human perfection. You are actually quite large and muscular, but don’t worry. No one in society is going to think that incredible physique is out of place or strange, considering you appear to be a lazy, insanely rich playboy that sleeps until 3pm everyday and mysteriously vanishes every night. Remember to keep training and working out. Your bat suit is custom tailored to show off every muscle, so no muffin tops are allowed.

You will need to familiarize yourself with the Batcave. Don’t laugh at the name because you are the one that calls it the Batcave. You will notice that the Batcave has everything you will ever need to fight crime. Non-lethal weapons, vehicles, a Batcomputer (again, remember that it was you who named it) and even a place to keep all of your trophies, some of which are very large. There isn’t a need to worry about how all of this equipment was moved into the Batcave. You couldn’t use a moving company or anything, so you just have to accept the fact that you were able to move everything in here by yourself.

Lets focus on your utility belt for a moment. Depending on the belt, you usually have around 10 to 15 pockets and attachments you can store gadgets in. Typically, you want to be fully stocked on Batarangs (no laughing), smoke bombs, heavy duty rope that never seems to run out during a mission, and various other odds and ends. Your grapnel gun is one of your most important devices, as it allows you to quickly exit and enter a hostile situation, or, in most cases, gives you the ability to scale a large building so you can look at the city and scowl.

Next is your bat suit, or costume. You wear this costume to scare criminals and provide a symbol of hope for Gotham City. It is made of various fibers and elements that can stop most knives and sometimes can deflect bullets, depending on the storyline. There is a large image of a Bat on the front of your costume. Again, this is to instill fear in and disorient any thugs you might encounter, but it also serves another purpose. If you are ever shot at, which you will be, criminals will always shoot at the symbol, which sometimes hides a bullet proof plate beneath it. They will never aim for your head or face, so you don’t need to worry about being hit there.

You will face a large assortment of villains in Gotham City as you fight crime. Your most notable adversary is an insane clown called The Joker. He is a homicidal maniac who kills for pleasure and seems to have taken a liking to you. He is a skinny guy that wears makeup and doesn’t have any of your training or physical attributes, but BE CAREFUL! No matter how smart and cunning you are, he will always find a way to trap you and almost kill you, but you will always escape at the last minute.

Sometimes, when he fights you, he beats the crap out of you by distracting you with long speeches and weaponized children’s toys. But fear not, for you will almost always catch him and lock him up in Arkham Asylum, which is a super maximum security prison. He will escape no matter how secure he may seem, so its best to assume that the majority of crimes in Gotham are a result of his schemes.

There is also a small, fat man who has umbrellas that shoot out gas called The Penguin, a sultry woman who dresses in skin-tight leather and likes to scratch your face called Catwoman, and a guy named Clayface who is made of actual liquid clay, is incredibly strong and fast, and could easily kill you if the script called for it. But don’t worry, you are usually one step ahead of all of these “super-villians” and know how to anticipate their every move, except when they trap you and then give you time to escape the trap.

You sometimes have a side-kick named Robin. For now, we will just say that everything works out for him and he lives forever. He used to be a trapeze artist who vowed revenge on the person who killed his parents, but now he fights crime along side you and wears a small domino mask across his eyes that completely eliminates any possibility of anyone recognizing his true identity by just imagining him without a costume but with sunglasses on. Right now, he is only about 9 years old, but you have decided that its a good idea to have him jump off tall buildings and try to dodge bullets.

Your ever loyal butler, Alfred, took care of you as a kid and now faithfully assists you with your war on crime. When you told him that you were going to dress like a bat, spend millions of dollars on gadgets, beat criminals to a pulp, and reject the majority of his sagely counsel, he agreed to help you without any reservations. He is very skilled at operating the Batcomputer, which is odd because he is fairly old.

Well, that about wraps it up. People will hate you, mainly because they are jealous of your fantastic abs, but always remember this: You trained for a while in a mountain fortress so you could avenge the death of your parents by dressing up as a Bat and kicking people in their throats.

Keep your chin up and your ears pointy.

Tweet about this on TwitterShare on Facebookshare on TumblrShare on RedditPin on Pinterest

Users who have LIKED this post: