Special Report: Charles C. Johnson Rumors by @thenatewolf

 

There has been a lot of nonsense on the Internet lately about my journalistic idol @ChuckCJohnson and I think enough is enough. I have taken it upon myself to get to the bottom of what is fact and what is fiction. Like my hero, Charles C. Johnson, I only want the truth.

 

I don’t have a personal agenda, I’m just a super impartial and noble journalist who is good and will get into heaven. I know that C-Biscuit is the same, he respects journalism so much that he won’t mind this kind of scrutiny, in fact, I think a stand-up goodfella like Chilly J will welcome it.

 

So here is a list of unconfirmed rumors about Chernobyl Jackson that I have heard. Please, if you can confirm or disprove any of these stories with hard, unassailable, evidence, come forward and help contribute to real journalism in action. And remember:

 

 


 List of Unconfirmed Charles C. Johnson Rumors

– Once I was walking on the beach and there were words written in the sand and I read them before the tide washed them away. They said: “Crackles Jumpercable can only get an erection when he thinks about his grandma falling down and hurting herself very badly.”

 

 

– A drunk wizard on the bus yelled this: “Chamby C. Jampson is what happens when a Walker Texas Ranger spends his adolescence playing video games and masturbating to cartoon feet instead of learning Karate.”

 

 

– A bird flew in the window and started talking English. From what I could decipher it said: “Cream Cheese Jason lives in a cave and traps critters and eats them like Gollum. He has horrible long vampire fingers that creak like an old rusty cemetery gate when he bends them to devour his prey.”

 

 

– A guy who picked me up when I was hitchhiking but then disappeared into a bog never to return said: “Champaign Jabroni has so many boils on his penis that the doctors referred to it as “a messy bunch of flesh grapes yearning for harvest.” Also if he touches your skin you turn into a gargoyle.”

 

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– If you put your ear to a conch shell you can almost hear the sound of the ocean whispering: “Chowder Jonestown’s favorite band is the sound of an innocent child crying”

 

 

– A ghost told me this when I was on Ayahuasca: “Chipmunk January hates himself. He is a sad and desperate man who is so unoriginal, and so pathetic, that he has chosen to embody a grotesque caricature as a distraction from his complete lack of talent or aptitude. He is a hypocrite. He is a disgrace. He is so damaged that he will gladly take down any bystanders that happens to get caught in the melee of his flailing attempt at journalism.”

 

 

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