It was the opening weekend of a long-awaited musical rendition of 12 Years A Slave. The Nederlander Theatre, nestled in the heart of Broadway, was packed. There wasn’t an empty seat in the house. Steve McQueen, Chiwetel Ejifor, Benedict Cumberbatch, Brad Pitt, President Obama, and all the top civil rights leaders from the last few generations were in attendance. It was mere minutes before showtime. The lights in the lobby flashed one last time signaling every guest to take their seats.
Everyone shuffled in. Everyone except one person who purposely lurked behind. Perhaps she had fooled the ushers with her cater-waiter like attire or how her long dark hair blended with the curtains into the theatre, but no one asked her to take a seat. Which was good because she didn’t have a seat. She never has a seat. Since the late 90s, Alanis Morissette has been attending theatrical debuts, movie premieres, comedy clubs, award shows, and even the occasional rave in hopes she will catch her ex-lover David Coulier in the act.
What “act” are we referencing? Well, any of those she so cunningly screamed about in her 1995 feminist alt-rock hit You Outta Know.
Alanis has kept thorough notes of all her Coulier encounters in what appears to be a leather bound journal, although her publicist has stated that it is definitely NOT leather and that Alanis does not personally use animal products of any kind. Excerpts from these journals detail such encounters as “He walked right past me at the screening of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s movie Passport to Paris. I guess I DID fade as soon as he closed his eyes.” And “He looked so peaceful through the bay window into his dining room as he happily ate that pot roast. I really would hate to bug him in the middle of dinner. Will try back later.” My personal favorite being “Watched him intertwined in an embrace with girlfriend number three while waiting for a cab outside of Wicked last night. Does she know that he told me he’d hold ME until he died? He looks pretty alive on account of the passionate kissing and all.”
So here we are. It’s early 2015 in the Big Apple. The curtains rise to the sounds of chains clanging and whips cracking. The overture plays. David Coulier, who portrayed the beloved Full House character Uncle Joey, and his new wife, Melissa, watch eagerly from fourth row center. Our darling little riot-girl detective has only one more mystery to solve as she waits in the shadows. Melissa’s hand is intertwined in her husband’s as it rests on his lap. The arm of the chair between them is locked in the upright position. The moment of truth. Will she or won’t she suck that dick.
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