A picture is worth a thousand words. A vase will cost you 75. A table is 6000. Welcome to the store where you purchase furniture with essays
— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) November 13, 2013
I'm told snakes are more afraid of us than we are of them, but a snake has never shit its pants because it thought a stick was a Blake.
— Blake Wexler (@BlakeWexler) December 12, 2014
I don't work out but I eat a lot of protein. My body's probably like "Ok we're all stocked up here, just need any form of muscle resistance"
— mark normand (@marknorm) December 16, 2014
Being naked except for glasses is basically admitting you would die in the wild.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) December 16, 2014
"You can layer it!" -Aunts on Christmas morning
— Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) December 16, 2014
Take me to a bank and put me in a vault because I want to be a loan.
— Rhea Butcher (@RheaButcher) December 15, 2014
That's nice that you "love traveling," sometimes when I leave my house I immediately go right back in
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) December 15, 2014
It's 2014 and we can fly to space but I still need to scratch my gums with a piece of waxy string every day
— elan gale (@theyearofelan) December 17, 2014
STARBUCKS: Can I help you?
ARIANA GRANDE: Medium coffee please.
STARBUCKS: Don't you mean…
ARIANA GRANDE: I will literally murder you.
— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) December 17, 2014
20,000 people die each year being blown out of bed. You’d be an idiot not to pile on that heavy blanket.
— Amanda (@mobydong) December 17, 2014