Everyone wants to make their significant other happy when the holidays come. Seeing their bright smile and the twinkle of love and gratitude in their eyes when they open the perfect gift from you is a perfect moment; a moment crystallized in time you can treasure your entire life.
Except you fucked up. You blew your entire savings account betting that a dachshund named Franz would beat a field of pure-bred racing greyhounds. It’s two days to Christmas: you’re shit out of luck, shit out of money, and if you don’t think of something soon, you’ll be shit out of a significant other.
Well, I’m here to save your sorry ass. Sit down, grab your favorite color crayon, and get ready to take notes. I’m gonna put a new spin on an old cop-out gift: love coupons.
I can already hear you whining “but that’s lame.” Ugh, you’re so annoying. I’m not even sure how you convinced anyone to date you with that attitude.
My love coupons aren’t the same “one free back rub” or “one day of chores” or “your choice of hole tonight” garbage. It’s almost 2015. You’ve got to think digitally.
1) A Social Media Endorsement
Some of us are fortunate to have thoughtful, intelligent, and witty partners, and willingly share their thoughts and ideas with our friends. Others would just as soon their husbands or boyfriends never speak or type anything again.
To retweet their drivel to followers or share their bullshit memes with your family is an act of love and devotion. Show them how much you care by pretending not to be embarrassed by them with every fiber of your being.
2) Think Fast
Whenever this coupon is claimed, any time day or night, regardless of what’s going on, you have 60 seconds to send your sweetie a pic of the ol’ baby-making apparatus. A considerate companion will claim their prize when they know you’re someplace private, but knowing the sort of person YOU hook up with, it’ll probably be during work, school, Bible study, or your Olympic figure skating routine.
3) Oops, was your mic on?
Nothing strokes a man’s ego like being able to rub his gigantic penis in all of his friends’ faces.
No, wait. Let me start over.
Trash talk is a fundamental part of the online gaming experience, and comes in two distinct flavors: You Suck, and I’m Great. And as everyone knows, no man can be truly great unless he has a tremendous weiner. Any guy can brag about a big dick, but imagine how much more impressive it would be if his pals “accidentally” overheard you saying “Come and ravage me with that throbbing, 9 inch love muscle, you unstoppable sex machine!”, or “You totally ruined my junk with that fat ol hog, you stud!”
4) A genuine show of real trust
HAHAHA! Seriously, though, don’t do this. There’s no way it will end well.
@SirEviscerate is NOT a professional relationship therapist. He’s barely socially functional, really. @somecleverthing always lives up to everything her name promises. Follow them both on Twitter.