New Years is fast approaching people!!! OMG!! What will be your New Years Resolutions this year?! If you need help deciding here’s my tough love guide to picking the best New Years Eve Resolution:
1) Lose Weight/Join Gym: Over this festive and joyous holiday season, did you eat like no one’s business? Did you throw caution to the wind by eating an entire plate of cookies without blinking an eye or even breathing? Well this one may be right for you. Here’s how it will go down. Right after the holidays you will be back at work, surfing the internet for good deals on gyms that are close in proximity and you will order a salad for lunch every day. This will last three days. Tops. So why even bother making this resolution? Just to hear yourself talk? Selfish asshole. How about closing your mouth every once in a while and refraining from swallowing when you eat? There’s your resolution.
2) Quit Smoking: While this is a great resolution for many reasons, not everyone will stick to it. So here’s my advice – STICK TO IT. Get those Blu E-cigs. Why aren’t you listening to Stephen Dorff?? Is he not relevant anymore? He was in Blade for god sakes! What is wrong with you people? If Stephen Dorff tells you to quit smoking then dammit you throw out that pack of Marlboro’s, march your ass to the store and buy some E-cigs. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
3) Drink Less: Listen to me, if you drank too much on New Years, lost your wallet, have inexplicable bruises on your legs and can’t remember why you fell asleep on your treadmill, this resolution may be the right one for you. Maybe taper it down a couple of notches. Until the following weekend of course. Then you rage. You rage like no one’s watching. Because no one is. Everyone still hates you from New Years.
4) Save Money: This one is a tough one for some people. But try this. Try not spending any money. How about that? You really need another pair of Uggs? Or a fancy hat? No. No one needs another fancy hat. Stop buying them. You are starting to look ridiculous.
5) Finish your “To Do” list: You’ve been slacking in 2014. But who could blame you. You were obviously too busy eating, smoking, drinking and spending your money on fancy hats. So now it’s time to tackle your dreaded “to do” list. So what are you waiting for? That wall’s not going to paint itself. At least not yet. Maybe in a few years we will have self painting walls because that seems to be the path modern technology is heading in. But for now you have to get off your lazy ass and spackle. Also, spackle is one of the funniest words in the English language. Isn’t it? Spackle. Ha. Wait what were we even talking about?
Remember everyone- please make sure you tell all your co-workers and family members first thing New Years Day what your Resolution will be by either calling or mass texting or posting it on Facebook or I swear to the good lord I will hunt you down and cut all your hair off. Good luck. You will need it because none of you will stick to these resolutions and you will be the same assholes in 2015 that you were in 2014. Have safe and Happy New Years!