New Years Resolutions by @1followernodad



2014 was a shitty year for this country and and even shittier year for my step-uncle Perry* probably. I’ll be honest, I avoid talking to him so I don’t even know. Personally, there are things I know I need to change, and hopefully this gets ole Perr-Bear on the track to change himself.


  • Stop referring to myself in third-person as “Ole Lopsided Face.” People are getting confused, frankly.
  • Learn to make bulleted lists.
  • Stop flirting with the guy at the Cinnabon counter, in hopes that he’ll give me two samples.
  • Learn more about wasps and the Ming Dynasty.
  • Create some memories with Jojo, the handsy guy who lives down the hall.
  • Open myself up to the possibility that Georgia is really a state.
  • Embrace death.
  • Eat more anchovy paste.
  • Quit whispering “Get on wich yo bad self” when the barrista tops a drink with whipped cream.
  • Forgo galoshes.
  • Eschew remakes of timeless classics that will only disappoint.
  • Accept that Micah is a name & stop just calling them Michael.
  • Teach autocorrect the words Octomom, Schwasted, Cliteratti & Cunty. Jk. Autocorrect already knows the last one.
  • Redeem myself in the eyes of The Lord.
  • Continue my extreme mayonnaise regimen.
  • Learn a new pick up line other than “Hey hunk wanna dunk?”
  • Encourage Grandma to learn Cantonese by refusing to speak to her in any other language.
  • Delight in the wisdom of Keanu Reeves.
  • Let go of the dream of mastering the pommel horse.
  • Move on from the sting of Natalie* saying you were “getting too fat to be friends” in second grade.
  • Do something about that smell in the foyer.
  • Finish Papa’s eulogy and present it to him as an ultimate power move.
  • Further disappoint conservative aunts with the goal of dating a horse in the new year.
  • Lose weight and find myself.
  • Become a Jenner, but NOT a Kardashian.
  • Stop eating Ora-gel for fun.
  • Quit giggling when elevators say “going down” in that haughty voice.


*Names have NOT been changed.

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