Rodney (by @hammerFist3)


“I don’t know about you but I love the taste of raisins in  my mouth” said my stepdad Greg. He was being wacky as usual. He is always being so wacky. One time he plugged olives up his nose. My mom really loves him and laughs at all his wacky antics. I think my stepdad Greg is a fucking useless ass clown. I fucking hate that guy. Anyway he was sitting there at dinner taking about raisins & all I could think about was how much I wish I knew a genie so I could wish for my stepdad Greg to shit his own pants once every day. That’s when the doorbell rang.

Clara from math class was there with a tray of hot cookies.

“Is Rodney home?” She asked my mother.

Fucking Clara , she is always trying to touch my dick in math class I swear to god she is on some other shit.

I walked up to the door.

“Hey Clara thanks for the cookies see you tomorrow” I said

Clara stood there & pantomimed a fist going up her anal cavity.

“You disgust me, Clara” I said as I closed the door gently.

I was so tired of everything so I went up to my room.

“Goodnight Ass Lord, goodnight mom” I said to my stepdad Greg & my mom as I walked up the stairs to my room. I didn’t even finish my dinner that night.

Everybody is bad.

I sat on my bed which was covered in unfinished homework. “These cookies look like shit” I said to myself as I tried a bite of Clara’s shit cookies. The cookies didn’t taste that bad but just the thought of Clara & her nasty ass put a sour taste in my mouth. I threw the cookies aside & sprawled myself out in my bed.

“Rodney your life is fucked” I said to myself

That’s when everything changed. A bright orb of light shone in my room, illuminating my spice girls posters.

“Rodney, why are you such a dick?”questioned the beam of light.

“Who the fuck are you” I said to whatever it was.

“It doesn’t matter who I am, Rodney, but we have calculated from our database that you are the biggest asshole on the planet”

I was pretty shocked to hear this news, especially from a strange orb of light.

“Listen it’s pretty creepy  of you to show up in my room like this. I’m fucking 12 years old I’ll call the cops on you, you fucking weirdo. Don’t try to fuck my ass” I said to the orb

I was tired of all this shit. My life was horrible. Everybody is such a turd.

“We need your help Rodney, I am a space being from galaxies away. Our planet is dying because our people are too nice to defend our planet which is under attack. We need your help, Rodney. We need your powerful hatred levels to save our planet.”

I thought for a moment. “Naw fuck that dude I’m 12 years old I’m not gonna help you. I have homework to not do & I’m just discovering masturbation so please get the fuck out of my room & figure out your own shit, lower” I said to the mysterious space being.

“But Rodney…” It started to say

“Did I stutter ? Get the fuck out of my room” i interrupted.

And that was that. I didn’t save any lives and I didn’t go on some lame life changing Galaxy adventure. I already have my dumbass stepdad Greg to worry about I don’t need anymore shit fucking up my life. Everybody is bad .

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