The Adventurer: Cave Of The Spike People by @audipenny

Today we join Chit Lebaron and his guide, Mobutu, as they voyage into “The Cave Of The Spike People Like They Are Actual Spikes Yes This Is The Whole Name Why”

The cave was dark and annoying. It was like if you were in a house that was made of wet blankets and there weren’t any lamps. Seriously like no lamps, 0 lamps. Light is a funny thing. Like when it is there, who gives a shit, but when it’s not, I’m steamed. “Per say”

I digress. I think. I don’t know what that means. Whatever.

“It’s cold in here, why did you make us come here?” I asked Mobutu, very politely and like a gentleman, to which he told me that I was the one who literally forced him to make this voyage – which makes perfect sense, because it was a very scary plan and I am brave and he is a big baby in man pants. Is there nothing he isn’t afraid of?

A bat just flew by and I thought it was a murderer so I screamed and threw Mobutu into the air. Mobutu luckily hit the bat, who punched him and flew off. Mobutu laid on the ground for a moment, wasting time. I had to tell him that he was embarrassing me like 8 times before we could continue our journey. I mean, wow.

We’d travelled into the cave probably, like, 56 miles or whatever, who cares, by now without any sign of the Spike People, so I decided it was time for a snack but I didn’t tell Mobutu so he kept walking, like an idiot, seriously I can’t even see him anymore. I laughed for a good three minutes about this and then ate several thousand bean buns. For all I know, Mobutu has been captured by the Spike People and is probably crying because he’s not as brave as I am.

Well, Mobutu is back. He thought it’d be funny to sneak up on me, apparently. He walked up to me as I stared right at him and said, “hey” and I screamed, startled! Where did he come from???? He knows I don’t care about where he is even if he’s right in front of me, so obviously I wasn’t going to notice him???? He is basically invisible to me because he’s pointless????? I’m SO MAD

I’m not mad anymore because I forgot why I was mad and I got bored and wanted to keep moving. Anyways, we made it to the camping grounds of the Spike People. Turns out the Spike People don’t even have spikes. They’re just like guys. I am straight up pissed the hell off. Mobutu kept telling me to calm down so I shoved him in what I assumed was a bed that was standing up, but what turned to be one of the child Spike People (they are giants when young and shrink with age), who got mad and punched Mobutu in the pants. 

I asked one of them why they called themselves the Spike People, and he responded, “I dunno. Like. Spikes are good.” I prodded more, suggesting that perhaps they could make themselves cooler, for people like me who want to find them. “We’re good,” he replied. I asked him if I could have a gift, for caring enough to go on a journey to find a people as boring as him. The Spike Person handed me the most boring bucket I’ve ever seen. I rolled my eyes and sat inside of it, commanding Mobutu to carry me out of the cave in it. I booed every last one of them as we left the camping grounds.

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