My boy-servant Mobutu and I have found ourselves in a very strange land indeed. I fear we may not soon find our way home.
The first sign that anything was unusual was the sudden appearance of seemingly bottomless holes. I tossed one of Mobutu’s beloved books into one of the pits to try and gauge it’s depth, but never heard a sound. Mobutu wept bitterly, whining something about “the only keepsake from my dead mother”, but occasionally sacrifices must be made the name of science.
The holes proved easy enough to hop over, and soon we encountered floating cubes of brick. I can’t speak for which form of magic or science kept them aloft. Mobutu became fearful, begging to leave this bizarre place. As I drew back my fist to offer encouragement, I accidentally struck one of the cubes. It crumbled apart, revealing a gold coin inside.
Treasure! This is what true adventure is about! Destruction of nature and property to gain riches and acclaim!
I soon set Mobutu to work breaking apart the bricks with his head, leaving his hands free to carry my newfound wealth. He pleaded with me to let him wear my pith helmet, but then what would keep the sun from my eyes?
Strange creatures began emerging from brightly colored foliage. A sort of walking mushroom with large eyes and tiny feet. A turtle like creature with a bird’s head and wings coming from its shell. All were no match for my trusty blunderbuss. I blew the monstrosities away like so many infant deer.
Do distracted was I by my lust for both wealth and blood that I nearly shot a mustachioed fellow who appeared riding a green dinosaur. He was accompanied by a white-skinned pygmy in a vest and a diaper, wearing a mushroom-like turban of some sort. They introduced themselves; the man was an Italian and his dwarf friend had an odd name (Frog? Newt?). Even the dinosaur had an appellation, some unpronounceable Oriental claptrap. (Whatever happened to good, old-fashioned, manly sounding names like mine? Chit Lebaron!)
Anyway, this rotund chap was off on adventure of his own. It would seem that the princess of this nonsensical kingdom had been kidnapped by a villain, and he meant to rescue her. He referred to her as his “girl-a friend”, but I have strong suspicions this sap has never been the beneficiary of any of her feminine attentions, if you get my drift. (He’s never fucked her.) I’d wager the broad left with this “Bowser” guy willingly. He had to have been more of a man than this chump.
I wished the hairy fool good luck and left him to his quixotic folly. Despite Mobutu’s constant blubbering, I’ve actually grown quite fond of this place. Perhaps I’ll try and find this princess as well, show her some real cockswordsmanship.
Anyway, I’ve got to run. It would appear Mobutu is being eaten by a carnivorous fire-breathing plant.
@SirEviscerate isn’t much of a cockswordsman, but plays a mean game of cockchess. Follow him on Twitter.