The Hard (Candy) Truth by @SirEviscerate


(Scene: A mad scientist’s laboratory in a gothic castle. Electrodes pop and beakers of strange looking liquids bubble and smoke. The ancient looking DR. WERTHER is hard at work on his newest invention, aided by his youthful ASSISTANT.)


Dr. Werther: I’ve done it! At last! Haha!


Assistant: You made a hard candy.


Dr. Werther: Yes, yes. It is indeed candy, but so much more!


Assistant: What do you mean?


Dr. Werther: Here. Try one.


(ASSISTANT unwraps the foil and pops the candy in his mouth)


Assistant: Hmm. Not bad. Sort of buttery.


Dr. Werther: Notice anything else?


Assistant: I’m kinda sleepy. A little sore.


Dr. Werther: It’s working! Haha!!


(DR. WERTHER’S messy white hair starts to noticeably darken, the deep wrinkles on his brow start to smooth)


Assistant: Wh…what have you done?


Dr. Werther: I’ve stolen from you the only thing we elderly people crave more than money, power, or The Price is Right. I’ve taken your YOUTH!


Assistant: You bastard!


Dr. Werther: Soon every grandma, grandpa, nursing home resident, and nice elderly neighbor will have a dish of my cursed candy in their homes! Youth shall no longer be wasted on the young! The world will be ours, and we’ll get boners without taking pills again! AH HA HA HA!




(Tonight’s play has been brought to you by Cap’n Tubby’s Soft Saltwater Taffy. Because Werther’s Original will steal your soul and give old men erections.)

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