Below is an unpublished article for a popular Men’s Lifestyle magazine. As the Editor’s comments show, there were several unforgivable issues with the content, tone, and structure of the article which ultimately lead to the journalist’s release from the magazine.
Wow, look at that, you clicked onto this article! Did you think about it for a while or did you go straight for the click with some sort of weird Pavlovian desire for a knowledge-nugget reward? I reckon if you thought about it long enough, you’d eventually guess absolutely all of what I’m going to say. An infinite amount of time, for example, would let you guess everything I could ever possibly say. Infinite time. That would be amazing, wouldn’t it?
(Editor: Did you read the brief? This is supposed to be a fitness piece. What are you talking about? Plus, we’re a magazine. You can’t click on a magazine. It’s made of paper.)
Abs, yeah? Tell me about it. I can hear you now: “What is an abs? How can I chisel them? Do I want to chisel them? What the hell is a chisel? Why can I not stop thinking of infinite time? If there any meani- (Ed: I’m cutting this off here, absolutely nobody is saying those things)
First thing you need to know: You have an abs (Ed: Stop saying it like that). They’re like these weird gross stomach cobbles usually covered in fat and hair. Like yours. Yeah, just like you. My God, you’re sexy. But apparently women don’t really like that sexy dress-up on top of them and would rather see an abs naked. Personally I think that makes them gay (Ed: ?). Regardless of this, I’m going to tell you what to do. Hold my hand, and follow me as a young Boy Scout follows his troop leader into the bushes for – (Ed: Jesus Christ, don’t finish that metaphor.)
- Do not use a real chisel – There’s just no need. Keep your chisel’s handy for my next article, “You’ll never believe how this man committed Seppuku!” (Ed: I’m never printing that. Stop asking me, and stop talking about it like it’s going to happen.)
- Take inspiration from nature – Have a look at a Gorilla. He’s got an abs. A sweet, beautiful Gorilla abs. How did he get that? Don’t ask him, he doesn’t speak English. Don’t try to copy what he does, either. You can’t eat that much tuna (Ed: Gorillas don’t eat tuna). Pay more attention to what he doesn’t What’s he never done? That’s right, he’s never once worn a suit made of ham whilst delivering a motivational speech to a classroom full of French exchange students. So make sure you never do that, either. Gorilla power! (Ed: We’re going to need to talk about this one. I’m not sure what your point is.)
- (Ed: 7 doesn’t go here) Diet – I think bread rolls look like an abs or at least the abs what I have seen so only eat bread rolls eat them for breakfast then eat them through the day none-stop and when a people ask you what is wrong just tell them you are trying to get an abs because the government stole your last one (Ed: …I don’t think…no, rewrite this please.)
- Exercise – Go to a shopping mall and shit your pants. As security attempt to escort you away, start running away from them. You’ll lose weight, because of the excretion of faeces, but also burn calories, because of the running. (Ed: Is this why you weren’t in the office last Tuesday?)
- Did I talk about Gorilla power yet? (Ed: You did. It was confusing and scary. No more.)
- I’m out of ideas (Ed: You don’t need to actually write that.)
That’s it. I give up. Don’t send in any pictures of your weird gross ‘after’ shots when you’ve done this either, because that’s not what I want to see. Send me those ‘before’ shots where you’re all fat…and greasy. Yeah, maybe get some hair on there too. Oh man, that’s hot. Do you have a ride-on lawnmower? You do? Okay, go and sit on that and ride around on it. Yeah, that’s it. Just like that. Not too fast now. Not… too… fast… (Ed: You’re fired.)