15 Ways to Attract A Guy by @1followernodad

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  • Tailor your clothes. Every women’s magazine has been telling you this since the beginning of time (or the 70s– whichever came first). These are facts: boys loathe girls in non-tailored clothing. Ever sit around with a group of guys where the conversation hasn’t turned to hemming? That’s right.

 

  • Remind nearby men what a good upper-class mother you would be by blocking out most of what he’s saying to talk to your girlfriends.

 

  • Stay hydrated. For practical purposes. If you die of dehydration, you will not get the boy of your dreams.

 

  • Like his music and show an immediate and overwhelming interest in the way he interprets those lyrics. He can read into J Cole better than you can. I promise. Remind him of this. One or two sincere-ish “Oh man, I never would have gotten that”s will do.

 

  • Don’t ask questions of him. That will scare him off. Boys are like deer in many ways. Not the least of which is that I have a few dead ones in my basement.

 

  • Be fearless on the dance floor. Your dance moves should be borderline disrespectful to the art of dancing itself.

 

  • Drink a guys drink like whiskey or scotch. Who cares that it makes you feel physically ill? Not you. Because now you seem cool and that’s what boys are looking for. Cool girls. Girls they don’t have to deal with. And how could a girl who drinks whiskey also have needs?

 

  • Show him you’re serious about the budding relationship by climbing into his car through the sunroof on the very first meeting and ask for a ride back to his place. If he takes you with him–congrats, you basically live there now. You can get a drawer.

 

  • Wear boy-hot clothes. Magazines have taught you about this, I’m almost 86% positive. You may not remember where Kyrgyzstan is from Mr. Dalton’s 6th grade geography class, however, I trust you remember the many articles on girl-hot vs. boy hot. Again, this goes back to doing things that make you seem approachable to guys. They don’t want to put up with anything. Ever. And if you wear culottes… they are going to think you are difficult.

 

  • Own a litter of baby badgers. They’re adorable. Have you seen them? Everyone will love you.

 

  • Boys say they want a funny girl. And they do. So you have to be funny. But not like that. No no no no. You’re being cynical and witty and sarcastic. No. Your job is to just to laugh at him. You’re doing this all wrong. No effing wonder you’ve never landed a guy.

 

  • Gurl you have have have to maintain your instagram and tinder photos. Stop snappin’ pics of every piece of roadkill you pass, and start showing him what kind of meals you can make. I have it on good authority that boys love a girl who can cook. That’s right: what every restaurant does. You get to do that too. And your instagram is a V 100 (imagine that little 100 emoji there) place to show off your cooking skills. Make it goofy and fun-loving though. If you burn something, turn it into a goofy photo with your girls. Caption idea: OMG we suck @ cooking lol forever alone with this chica (heart eye emoji) (heart eye emoji).

 

  • Don’t play games. Guys hate games. They are juvenile. Time to give up foolish things like Backgammon and Plinko! Get your absolute shit together.

 

  • Get hit by his car. But not too hit by his car. Idk this always seems to work in movies and sitcoms.

 

  • At this point, you’re likely thinking– hey! how do all those models who wear weird clothes get guys?– or perhaps you’re thinking– shouldn’t all female comedians be getting the guys since they’re funny? Yeah we don’t really know what’s happening there. Science hasn’t gone far enough.
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