A No Stakes Mystery by @sageboggs

Boston_byNathanielDearborn_MFABoston

The rain hit the ground like rain.

A dull hum pulsed from the city and made things feel spooky and mysterious. What is the city called? It’s called Harbor Town. Harbor Town sits in a valley betwixt two mountains and is like Boston but less Bostony. Harbor Town was founded in the 1600s but now it is the 1970s.

Detective Rexpf lit his cigarette and smoked it. He looked at the graying skyline and continued smoking the cigarette. A plane flew overhead and honked. Planes don’t usually honk, so that was weird. Eventually Rexpf finished the cigarette and threw the cigarette bud on the ground.

He stood on the harbor that the town’s name references.

“This is a good harbor,” Detective Rexpf groaned. “Real good stuff.”

The detective sauntered to the water and lit another cigarette. That’s when a mysterious figure approached him. The figure was a woman named Matricia.

“Hey,” Matricia groaned. “Name’s Matricia. Matricia Funglegulch.”

Matricia smelled like a fart barfed.

“My middle name’s Berm,” she groaned.

“You are the one the prophecy spoke of,” Rexpf groaned.

“What prophecy?”

“I don’t know. I’ve just always wanted to say that.”

“Ha.”

“Cool.”

“Well, I’m here to tell you I know who killed Mayor Grimleypuss,” Matricia groaned.

“Who is Mayor Grimleypuss?”

“I don’t know. I’ve just always wanted to say that.”

“Ha.”

“For real though,” she groaned. “I know who has been killing all these people in Harbor Town.”

“I don’t know anything about that,” Rexpf groaned.

“Aren’t you Detective Gepg?”

“No, I’m Detective Rexpf. I’m visiting from out of town. This isn’t even my precinct. I’m on vacation with my children. Say hi, kids.”

“Hi,” the kids groaned.

Rexpf pointed at the boy kid. “This one’s named Bomp. And this one,” he groaned, pointing at the girl kid, “is also named Bomp.” He pointed at a third kid. It was androgynous. “This one’s named Bomp as well.”

“Nice,” Matricia groaned.

“Anywayzers, those killings sound rough.”

“Yea, it’s been bad. There’s a serial killer in Harbor Town. He’s been killing a bunch of people in a row in a similar fashion.” She paused. “He’s always wearing a smock.”

“…”

“It was a joke about the word fashion,” she groaned.

“Fuck you.”

Suddenly, a voice echoed down the shore.

“HEY, I’M DETECTIVE GEPG. DID YOU SAY YOU KNOW WHO’S KILLING ALL THE PEOPLE? I’M DETECTIVE GEPG AND THAT IS INFO I AM INTERESTED IN HEARING,” the voice groaned. “THIS IS MY PRECINCT.”

“Well, that’s my guy,” Matricia groaned. “I’ll see you later. Have fun in H-Town. That’s what we locals call Harbor Town.”

“Thanks,” Rexpf groaned. “I’ll try not to get killed, haha.”

“That’s fucked up. Don’t laugh at that shit, dude. Seriously. That’s fucking sick.”

“Sowwy.”

Matricia ran toward Detective Gepg but first she did an old-timey curtsy. It was weird and out of place. Why did she curtsy?

“I am actually the killer,” Rexpf groaned to himself. “Nobody knows that, but it’s true. I am going to continue killing people now, as I’ve been doing. I hope no one figures it out. I pretend I am a detective to avoid suspicion and have these three orphans follow me around. That’s the whole thing. I am the killer.”

The rain fell harder than ever, as if it knew something bad happened in the story.

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