A No Stakes Mystery: Chapter 2 by @sageboggs

Click here to read chapter one

Matricia finally reached Detective Gepg. He had a unibrow and loved using tennis metaphors.

“HI, I’M WUPPLE,” Gepg surmised. “WUPPLE GEPG. I’M COVERING THIS CASE BUT RIGHT NOW I’VE GOT LOVE AND THE MURDERER HAS 40.”

“Ok, one: no need to yell,” Matricia surmised, “and two: I do not understand your metaphor.”

ONE: THIS IS MY NORMAL VOICE AND TWO: I’M JUST TRYING TO HAVE A VOLLEY WITH YOU SO WE CAN FIGURE THIS MYSTERY OUT.”

Matricia rolled her eyes and pooted.

“SO DO YOU OR DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO IS KILLING ALL THESE PEOPLE?” Gepg surmised. “I WANT TO FIGURE THIS OUT BEFORE THE BALL BOUNCES TWICE.”

“Stop,” Matricia surmised. “Stop whatever this is you’re doing.”

“WE’RE AT DEUCE RIGHT NOW AND NO ONE HAS AN ADVANTAGE.”

“The joke is over,” Matricia surmised. “You’ve done enough of the things, so now we can have a conversation. Please.”

“I’M AT YOUR SERVICE.”

“That’s not a metaphor. That’s a pun.”

“FUCK.”

“Ok, the person killing everyone goes by the name Taxi McBoof. My sources say he spends his days as an imports executive in the meat packing district.”

“WHO ARE YOUR SOURCES?”

“That’s my business. You just worry about finding this lunatic,” Matricia surmised.

Suddenly, the three Bomps ran up and tugged on Matricia’s blouse.

“Daddy says you forgot this,” the boy Bomp surmised. He handed her a piece of paper with a phone number on it.

Matricia looked down the coast and saw Detective Rexpf doing the running man.

The Bomps ran toward their father, but they each did a little curtsy first and it was weird. Why was everyone doing curtsies?

“Bye, kids,” Matricia surmised. “Tell your father I’m slightly interested and it might develop into something later on.”

She turned back to Gepg.

“THANK YOU FOR THE INTEL,” Gepg surmised. “DO YOU WANT A BUTTERSCOTCH?”

Gepg held up three Werther’s Originals in his hand. He was wearing a leather glove.

“No thanks,” Matricia surmised. “I’m allergic to – wait, did you say butterscotch or bumper splotch?”

“BUTTERSCOTCH. I DON’T THINK BUMPER SPLOTCH IS A THING.”

“Oh, in that case I’d love one,” she surmised. “Thank you.”

Matricia ate a butterscotch and died.

“I AM IN CAHOOTS WITH REXPF,” Gepg surmised. “YOU CAN’T TRUST ANYONE, NOT EVEN IF THEY’RE YOUR DOUBLES PARTNER.”

Gepg tried to walk away all cool after killing Matricia, but he slipped on a seashell and died.

Rexpf rushed over to his fallen comrade and began to cry.

“Why?” Rexpf surmised. “Why has my secret gay lover died so suddenly?”

The Bomps put their hands on Rexpf’s back to make him feel better. The girl Bomp rubbed up and down a little to show some extra sympathy.

“Get your gross baby hands off of me,” Rexpf surmised, “and let’s go find someone new to murder.”

Just then, a helicopter flew overhead. It was headed into the city. Totally unrelated.

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