Advice From God by @Cpin42

   

Dear God,

Did you know that your name spelled backwards is dog?

Jeremy, 8yrs old.

Dear Jeremy,

Thanks for bringing this to My attention. It’s clear that you’re some sort of child prodigy destined for greatness. Soon you’ll be skipping grades and winning spelling bees, and by junior high you’ll be translating Beowulf into Esperanto and peeing quadratic equations in the snow.

Then, years later, after you invent the fat-free peanut, you can write Me again to inform Me that the k in knife is silent.

Dear God,

Any advice on how to deal with bears?

Stan from Ellaville, Fl.

Dear Stan,

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

Dear God,

Are good people more likely to have a good life?

Sharon from Augusta, Missouri

Dear Sharon,

If only life were that simple. Crib death, hurricanes, drunk drivers…Unfortunately, most people don’t get what they deserve, they get what they get.

Consider the fate of the Native Americans. They were some of the finest peoples ever to roam the Earth, and the early colonial settlers stole their land and obliterated their culture before they could say “Geronimo.” If there was any earthly justice, the Indians would’ve stuffed Manifest Destiny up the White Man’s ass like an unlubricated totem pole.

Dear God,

Why don’t people like me?

Kyle from Ridgefield, WA

Dear Kyle,

I suspect it has something to do with your poor hygiene, your freaky twitch, and the fact that you possess the charm of an elevator fart. My advice is to draw chalk outlines around dead squirrels and start wearing your underwear on the outside of your pants. This is the word of the Lord.

   

Dear God,

What is the meaning of life?

Linda from Wilson, Kansas

Dear Linda,

The meaning of life isn’t some fact in a textbook, it’s something you craft from your own life. To Buddha, it was about extinguishing the self and achieving nirvana; to Einstein, it was about scientific exploration; to Freud, it was about banging your mom. Ultimately, everyone makes their own meaning.

As far as your life goes, it reminds Me of daylight saving time: I know there must be a point to it, but I’m not sure exactly what it is.

Dear God,

Have you ever kicked anyone out of Heaven?

Eileen from LA

Dear Eileen,

The only person I ever kicked out was Edison. I know he has a big rep down there, but the guy was driving Me up a freakin’ wall. “You’ve should’ve done it this way,” “You should’ve done it that way.” He even had the audacity to accuse Me of cutting corners when I created the platypus. The guy tinkers with the light bulb and all of the sudden he’s an expert in the God business? Newsflash, shit stain- I invented light

 

Dear God,

Where are you? Did you ever think that we might need to actually feel your presence rather than praying to a faceless sky?

Brad from Norwich, NY

Dear Brad, 

You don’t want a God, you want a partner for the three-legged race. Believe Me, I love you all- even petulant little ingrates like you. But I’m not your pen pal, I’m the Lord of Lords. While you’re down there whining about new bags of potato chips being half-empty, I’m up here, collating chaos. 

But wait I just thought of something that might bring us closer together. We could play a game. How about Hide & Seek? I’ll hide first. 

Dear God,

I’m an unemployed thirty-six-year-old dwarf. I have bad skin, soft teeth and my hairline’s retreating faster than the Indians who first encountered the Gatling gun. You’re either a cruel hoax or a fucking sadist, and I hope the Devil kicks you in the nuts.

Affectionately yours, Hank from Bangor

Dear Hank,

Did anyone ever tell you that I’m beautiful when you’re angry? Hey, I admit, you’re hardly My best work, but it could be worse- you could be a quadriplegic with an itchy torso. Look on the bright side, if things don’t work out for you in the adult entertainment industry, you can always join the circus. 

In any event, you’ll always have junk food and masturbation to fall back on. Which reminds Me: My suggestion to “be fruitful and multiply” doesn’t apply to everyone. In your case, I have to insist that you ‘be fruitful’ and then wipe yourself off.

Dear God,

There isn’t one shred of evidence that you exist but everyone assumes that you’re “just and merciful.” No offense but isn’t that like saying, “I don’t know if Bob’s married, but if he is, his wife is a blonde dental hygienist named Jessica”? Can you give me some proof?

Chloe from Rushville, NE

 

Dear Chloe,

When you were four years old, you tried to dig a hole to China. Remember finding the egg rolls? That was Me.

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