An Unofficial Police Warning to the Citizens of Little Knee by @ruinedpicnic

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Regarding No. 106 on Fairmother Street

Citizens one and all, I write to you as the police chief of this town out of genuine affection for each and every single one of you, and concern for your personal safety. From the delightful owners of the quickly-closing local businesses to the families nestled in their houses out of fear and panic, I extend to you this caution for the sake of clarity and security.

 

First of all, I regret to confirm that, yes, Mr. Chesterfield of 106 Fairmother Street, as sadly passed. Though his body is currently unable to be recovered, for reasons which will become shortly clear, I can sadly state with assurance that Wilfred, aged 86, is no longer with us due to a sighting of his remains through the window of the house.

 

As much as well all loved Wilfred, and some of us considered him family, it seems that our late friend had been hiding a rather troublesome secret from the rest of the town. I wish to speak not ill of the dead, for fear of offending those still in mourning and the spirit world itself, but Mr. Chesterfield’s actions have potentially put us all in danger.

 

You may have noticed that 106 Fairmother Street has been, for the past 48 hours or so, closed to the public with yellow tape around the perimeter and two officers on patrol at all times. As hesitant as I have been thus far to publicly speak about this matter, as it is still largely unclear and, honestly, a relative source of embarrassment, I feel it now necessary to make this unofficial statement.

 

“Jerry”, likely named after Wilfred’s love of 90’s-era situation comedy, appears to be a cross between a Great Dane and Rottweiler from what local veterinarians have been able to deduce from a distance, though I know that rumours of a grizzly bear or even some sort of chupacabra have been circulating. The dog is easily six feet long and half as tall, and has a short grey coat, which at this point is at least partly red with blood.

 

At this point, it seems only right to express my condolences to the families of the following:

 

Harold Bukakis, the paperboy who went missing three days ago, but whose clothes have been retrieved from the front lawn of the house.

 

Dr. Edward Bukakis, one of Little Knee’s leading physicians who was sadly seen trying to escape through a window (unsuccessfully) during his search for his son.

 

Officers Lee Harrison and Lily Green who were sent to investigate the commotion.
‘Lee N’ Lil’, thank you for your service.

 

Lieutenant Francis Kesser, who technically confirmed for us the presence of “Jerry” when a bus of schoolchildren witnessed the dog dragging him back into the house by his large intestine while he screamed bible verses. You’re at peace, now.

 

SWAT Officers Jackson, Perry, Michaels and Wong, whose Christian names I regrettably do not know, but who valiantly gave their lives trying to take down “Jerry”, despite being equipped with shotguns, Tasers, tear gas and full body armour.

 

Lucky, the SWAT dog, who ran into the building in an attempt to save his human teammates. I know many of us were hopeful that it would take a dog to bring down a dog, but sadly Lucky did not succeed. We are told that he loved bones though, which brings some true poetry to the fact that there is nothing else left of him but his own.

 

 

In all honestly, friends, our path ahead is dark. I am entirely unsure as how to proceed, but I refuse to send any more good men and women to their deaths against “Jerry” the four legged demon. “Jerry” has now surpassed Little Knee’s previous most prolific murderer, Peter “Murderin’ Pete” Vinderlaut, and I’m told that residents within a quarter-mile radius have already mostly fled the town. I ask only that some of the folks leaving us from Avery Drive take their ghastly lawn ornaments with them if they choose to do the same.

 

I am currently in talks with the local fire department and public safety officials concerning the idea of simply destroying the premises at 106 Fairmother and allowing the canine terror to perish inside. Personally, however, I am fearful that the animal will survive whatever end the house is given and move freely around the rest of town, forcing us all to run, hide, or bow to the beast as a great and terrible new mayor.

 

Please, I beg of you, do not make any attempt to approach the house. Heroism or vigilante behaviour is futile, and I remind you that the dog is now potentially armed with the weaponry left behind by its prey. You might think a dog wielding tear gas is impossible, but I would have said the same of a dog swallowing a human head whole until I peeked through the kitchen window from a distance early yesterday morning.

 

Thank you for your cooperation and patience,

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Paul Fritzgerald, Chief of Police

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