It’s almost Valentine’s Day and if you want the attention and sympathy I’ve gotten the past few years, you’re gonna want a dead boyfriend. Not everyone is boyfriend material and even fewer guys are “dead boyfriend” material. Here are a few guidelines to make sure you hit the dead soulmate jackpot.
1. Does he have a really cute (preferably plaid flannel) button up shirt that is a little big on you but not too big? You’re going to want it to be noticeably larger than your shirts so it’s obvious that it is not originally yours but you still want it to be fitted enough to wear around town.
2. Does he want to be cremated? Maybe snoop through his room in search of a last will and testament while he’s in the shower. Graves are so 10 years ago and you won’t get as much play out of visiting a grave as you will having ashes on your mantle or better yet in a locket around your neck.
3. Have you taken at least 5 cute pictures of the two of you together? You’re gonna need these. They are your meal ticket and they have to last forever. So don’t skimp. I suggest ones from those photo booths people have at weddings, on top of a mountain or near a beach.
4. Get to know him REALLY well. It’s the little things that matter the most. These will allow for the most natural integration of visible sorrow in your everyday life. And visible sorrow is where it’s at. For example, I know that my late boyfriend could never have enough pickles on his sandwiches, wanted a tattoo of the tree of life, and always lost his sunglasses. Things like this will provide a lot of little teary-eyed moments. Try to have them in public, on the Internet, or in front of someone who you want to put things inside of you.
5. Does he have cute brothers or eligible best friends? Grief does weird things and it might make them want you. This could be fun down the line. Embrace what life has to offer.
6. Will his name look pretty on your body? I thought Jason was too reminiscent of the villain from the Halloween movies so I opted for his initials. It’s up to you. Try a signature or something else in his handwriting. Have fun with it!
7. Has he made an indie film recently? Is it up for festivals? Imagine how amazing it would be for you to accept the award on his behalf. Timing is everything though. Check submission guidelines as well as festival dates.
8. Is he cheating on you? Nuh uh girl, move on. A man who cheats is not dead boyfriend material. That might be ok for a live boyfriend but when a boyfriend is dead you better believe that those girls will show up at the funeral and steal your thunder.
9. I got an orange iPod nano with 187 hours of songs that make me nonstop cry in the shower. Try to get at least a playlist or soundtrack out of this.
10. It’s really going to suck and this list is not to encourage anyone to strive to have a late boyfriend. This list is for anyone who has lost someone because they and only they know how truly and unexpectedly crazy loss can make you. Twenty months after his death, as I sit and write this, I still half expect my late boyfriend to open my computer in a few hours to watch porn and accidentally see this and laugh at how funny I am. I love you Jason.
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