Citizens of Little Knee: Stop Bleeding Yourselves! by @ruinedpicnic

Oregon_sheriff_deputy_1939

Dear Citizens,

It pains me to have to write this letter to you. I know that it does not necessarily apply to you all. Many of you are behaving perfectly, like the several thousand children I always wanted. But a few pesky hundred of you are starting to grind my lawful gears!

I was first made aware of the ‘Red Oath Keepers’ last week when my secretary failed to turn up for work. I called her house, and spoke to her mother (still living at home Catherine, really?) and was informed that she had given up her promising career in taking messages and bringing me green tea to join the ‘Red Oath Keepers’. Catherine, I ask that, (like everybody else) you please read the following carefully and reconsider your membership, and if you still wish to remain with your new, creepy family, at least come back in and take your god damn crystal skulls from off your desk (does not apply to everybody else).

The ‘Red Oath Keepers’ are a cult, ladies and gentlemen. Not a funky new religion, or a social club, or a fun way to spend your free time. They are a cult, and everybody knows that cults are bad. Remember what happened out west, with those schoolchildren. In case you don’t, they found them all dead. That was the work of a cult. Sound fun now? If it does, it’s not supposed to.

Reverend Donnie White is – and I do not use this word lightly – a huge creep. I’ve done background checks, or the boys here at the station have, at least, and the man has been arrested fifty-eight times. Okay, I admit that some of his blood-soaked notes sent to my house were nicely phrased and his drawings were very original, but his behaviour is totally unacceptable. Why so many of you have been drawn to him I cannot understand. Is it his bright white hair? His long black robes? The fact that he gives everybody who joins the cult six thousand dollars? Whatever it is, surely it should be cancelled out by the fact that he’s always shouting about how the gods demand blood and that the end is nigh.

Which brings me to my main request, friends. If you must follow this charismatic psychopath, please do so responsibly and in a sanitary fashion. The amount of complaints I have received from local shopkeepers about people bleeding all over their stores and products has been enough to fill a book. Nobody would want to read that book, I might add, because it’s repetitive and disgusting. I myself was crossing the street the other day when a car raced past (Yes, I got the license plate, Bobby Greenberg.) and splashed human blood all over me from the gutter. That sort of thing just shouldn’t be an issue in Little Knee.

Our physicians have confirmed with me that bleeding your body is extremely unhealthy. That blood is in there for a reason, folks. I’ll be damned if I’m willing to listen to those uppity doctors waffle on about what that reason is, but even I know that it’s a good one. Keep your blood in your body where the lord put it. I don’t care what Donnie White says: letting your body juice roam free is not going to earn you a place among the Ancient King’s disciples. If the Ancient King really wanted you to dump a load of your blood out every day, he’d have made it a lot less sticky. My wife even described the process of cleaning my uniform as ‘irritating’. Just an example of the damage you’re doing.

Technically, I can’t do anything about Reverend White because he hasn’t broken any laws yet, but rest assured that he will slip up (probably in blood) and I’ll be there to catch him in my strong, capable, tree-trunk arms.

As a final note, anyone willing to help in cleaning up blood on the east side of town, please come by the Little Knee Sanitation Department and speak with Ed. Several of our misguided workers from that district have joined the cult and it looks like a bowl of damn gazpacho over there.

Once again, I stress, stop bleeding yourselves.

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Paul Fitzgerald, Chief of Police

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