Correspondence My Dog Wrote To Me While He Was At The Sitter by @smickable

Emails:

Dear Stephanie,

I’ve been at the sitter for a few days now and I really miss you, but I know you will come back soon. I’m a completely sentient and rational being. After all, you adopted me to reduce your attachment to human males and it would be quite insane if you did all that and I was just a base-level animal. Anyway, I don’t want to keep you for too long. I know you went home to observe the dynamics between you and your new step-family. Quick question though– My sitter gets out of bed EVERY day. Is that ok? It’s just that you never…

Dear Stephanie,

As you know, my sitter lives in a studio apartment with her husband. When she gets in bed with him at night they start kissing like you do with your partners but after the kissing part none of it looks the same. They face each other most of the time unlike you guys who ALWAYS do it the same way dogs do. Ok. Got to go. She’s talking me for a walk soon. I’ll explain what those are later.

Subtweets:

@smicksdog

Wow that bumper sticker my owner has about how she didn’t rescue me but I rescued her IS accurate.

Texts:

She doesn’t keep a gun and chocolate next to her bed. It seems safer here.

New phone. Who dis?

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