Once there was a crow. A ratty, old, garbage-eating crow that everybody hated. I mean everybody. Not because he was a crow, but because he was an asshole.
The crow was one of those birds who prided himself on being absolutely intolerable. He cursed constantly, hit on people’s wives, and never paid for weed. When the other animals would be relaxing in a meadow, the crow would signal a call of danger and laugh from a tree top as he watched the animals scatter in fear. When there was real danger, the crow would wait till the very last second to let anyone know. He would watch hunters or wolves creep through the brush and his eyes would light up in anticipation of the look of terror on one of his friends faces. Many times he waited too long to call and someone he knew paid the price for his joke. It never seemed to bother him.
In time he became completely isolated. There was not a beast in his forest who would even look at him. He had tried to leave once, to find a new home, but his reputation preceded him.
“You be that bird what likes to fuck with everyone, isn’t you?” an owl once asked him, when he flew down to a new pond for a drink. “We don’t take kindly to comedians.”
So the crow just flew back to the only home he knew and stayed there, watching everything from a distance, laughing to himself whenever misfortune would befall anyone that wasn’t him.
One day, after he had filled himself on some road kill, he flew up to a peak that he rarely ventured. The sun beat down on hillside but he found a rock under some shade. He relaxed and watched as a family of billy goats navigated the craggy peaks.
“Bunch of idiots, they think because they are on the side of a cliff they are safe” said the crow to himself. ”I wonder if they know how fucking stupid they look?”
“They don’t” hissed a snake that had been hidden just a few feet from the crow “they haven’t the ssslightest ssssense of themsssselves.”
The crow was startled and he jumped into the air and started flapping his wings, hovering at a safe distance from the snake. He thought about flying away but it was the first time that anyone had spoken to him in months. The snake did not move he stayed coiled on the ground next to the rock. Barely showing enough effort to look up towards the crow.
“It’ssss far too hot for any of that” said the snake.
The crow fluttered for a few moments more before he came to rest again on the rock. He looked closely at the snake who looked tired and hot. His tongue darted about trying in desperation to get relief from the heat.
“You really look terrible,” said the crow.
“Our bodiessss are very different,” said the snake “I don’t like it when it getssss all ssssweaty”.
“That’s what she said,” said the crow.
The snake hissed with laughter. The crow felt amazing, nobody had ever thought he was funny. He decided to try out some of the material he had been working on all those days he had sat alone.
“You ever notice how badgers are always so angry? You think it’s because even the women badgers have beards? Wouldn’t you be angry if your wife had a beard?” asked the crow and when the snake laughed even harder, the crow jumped down from the rock and started to pace around his imaginary stage.
“Thank you thank you, you know I just flew up here this morning, boy was that an expensive plane ticket,” joked the crow.
“Ssssstop, you’re killing me!” squealed the snake.
“I asked the pilot if he had an inborn sense of direction and he told me that he just had ‘maps and a compass’ … more like craps and a bum-ass,” said the crow and this sent the snake (who had a very immature sense of humor) over the top. Tears of laughter ran down the faces of both animals. The crow wrapped his wing around the snake and the two laughed together.
“I’ve got one for you” said the snake once the rolls of laughter had passed.
“Hit me” said the crow, happy to finally have someone who understood him.
“Once there wassss this bird, ssssssome ugly old thing. And he wassss ssssuch a pathetic losssser that nobody would even lisssten to hissss hack jokesss ssso he had to tell them to a sssssnake. Ssso that ssssnake just pretended to laugh and then bit the bird with his fangssss and sssssprayed poisssson into his body. Then he ate that dumb bird, I think it wasssss a crow.”
The crow stopped laughing and the snake bit him in the neck with his fangs and ate him.
Then one day, a few weeks later, a bear ate that snake.
The Moral: Don’t be a dick?