Hello, your majesty, I hope this day is bringing you the pleasure of a million feasts. Please, if your curious eye has a hunger for knowledge, read these fun and simple tips I’ve prepared you. May Apollo ever be your muse and Dionysus your reveler.
You’re probably used to having your many maidens and concubines bathe you, but what they don’t want you to know is that there’s a simpler way that you can do it yourself. The spigots of most baths have a plunger-like lever that redirects the flow of water into the ‘shower head,’ this is the metallic piece above the tub, your harem may have referred to it as the guardian serpent because they don’t want you to know what it really does. Once the water is flowing, simply step under and let it cascade your handsome nakedness. If you don’t have a guardian serpent, simply draw and heat gallons and gallons of water and mix in cold water to reach your comfort level. After this step, it’s only a matter of scrubbing.
When stepping into you awaiting carriage, have you ever wondered how it all works? There are quite a lot of steps. First you must bridal a couple horses from the stables, I recommend Wincer and Hairbrow. Wincer is still a youthful and spirited stallion that pulls with stamina yet has an incredibly graceful gait, especially for a horse as young as he, and Hairbrow is a bit older and more experienced—all the better for ruling out Wincer’s less-than-wise instincts—but don’t let his age fool you, he still has plenty of power in those haunches. After you have the steeds bitted up, bring them to the carriage house (just a stone’s throw from the west pleasure garden) and choose your carriage. Of course there are carriages and then there are carriages, let your instincts guide you. Once you have your coach picked and proper-ed, simply attach Wincer and Hairbrow to the pull shaft and make the climb to the driver’s seat (you can see your house from here—ho ho ho). To go left, whip Wincer, right, Hairbrow. You are now ready to drive, if you want a full a caravan for your summer trips to Winchester, that’s another story.
It’s easy to trust your men, to your knowledge everyone on your court is there for God and for king and for country, but when you’re hiring mercenaries or assassins to do your bidding, especially those from lower classes, or (worse) Scotland, trust can be a little harder of a task. So don’t even bother with it. When you need someone put out, such as a sniveling viceroy from India or the Levant, who has his eyes on the throne, do it yourself. If you want to see what your weapon options are, visit one of your armories; one’s located near the north entrance and the other by the south entrance, both are more-less the same, but the north armory is closer to the main house (use the tunnel if you’re in a pinch). Now there are swords and there are swords, if you are going to be killing someone, let their blood decide the weapon. You can disembowel any commoner with one of the rapiers, but if you’re ousting a big wig, have some respect, use one the gilded ivory daggers that the King of Prussia gave to you. Once you’re suited up, track down your enemy relentlessly and once you’ve them in your sights, end them. You can slash, thrust, joust, lunge, poke—to instruct you too much further will only negate your own creativity, Your Highness. Leave the dagger in them if want to send a message, but keep it if you want the blood encrusted blade to serve as a reminder to how powerful you are, oh noble liege.
For more tips from the throne to the gallows, visit my cottage in West Suffolk, if you have any corrections, edits, or suggestions for future works, send them posthaste.