Lirrba: Your mother is going to be disappointed in you on the 3rd. But when is she not? That’s the real question. You aren’t going to live up to her, so maybe cut your losses and stop trying so dang hard. Smoke some marijuana or take a bubble bath.
Scorpians: Your beauty is only matched by Jared Leto. Most, if not all, of the Midwest thinks you should be elected president. You disagree on principle which only makes them love you more. You have never committed a sin or a crime. Though you are in a committed relationship. You go, girl. Relationships can be nice. You need to take some time for yourself to re-center after all the good you do for everyone in your life. You deserve it, girl. You might not be a girl.
Trashus: Your favorite candy is Swedish Fish and you think it means a lot more about you than it really does. Hint: it means nothing. What does mean something is the fact that your friends with benefits literally hates you but is still keeping it up because his brother likes you and he hates to lose. Buy a new car on the 16th, the American Economy thanks you.
Pieces: There is a reason your parents are no longer together and it is you. Also buy a Diva Cup.
Cancer: This might be the month you get cancer.
Sarcophagus: Your raspy cough that lasted through the winter has finally grated on everyone in the office’s nerves to the point where you will likely be fired by the 27th. Watch out for a hot guy in a car next to you— he could be your prince charming, but likely you’ll never actually meet him because you are both in cars and it is indubitably dangerous to strike up a conversation with someone while you both need to be focused on the road.
Amphibians: Please start showering again. You’re bold and risky, we get it. In no way should that translate to your hygiene habits. Your love life has weirdly never been better and none of us— least of all me— can explain this.
Aries: You are so busy trying to make your life into a Wes Anderson movie that you haven’t noticed that your boyfriend is a cartoon Dalmatian. Cancel your trip to Thailand and sort things out. Also call your dad on the 12th when Jupiter is in your house or whatever it’s called. Please stop saying penis in bed. Use a less clinical word.
Virgin: You really ought to clean out your fridge. Make this month yours! Order some caterpillars online and watch them grow into butterflies. You can do that. You can also order owl pellets online to dissect. Isn’t that weird?
Candycorn: Having fun is not your forte. You’ve never been to a party and been like “ok I am a good person.” I respect that you know that you aren’t a good person. You aren’t. You are very boring. The mole on your face is an eyesore. It’s not sexy. But I guess your husband Gary loves you so. Hahah jk jk you aren’t married. That’s your sister.
Leo: Stop fucking Trish from accounts payable. She has a husband. You will cum into some money on the 17th because you are so horny from not fucking Trish from accounts payable anymore. That is not going to be the only weird thing you cum on this month. Bet your bottom-cum-stained dollar.
Jimini: There’s a reason I forgot you in the last edition of Whoroscope. You’re literally a harbinger of the doom this world is heading for. I hate you. Never text me again.