Something for the Kids by @ddrwg

Alright kids. Gather around. I’ve got a bedtime story for you. Once upon a time, as all good stories start, there was a girl. Naturally, her mum was wicked. No, no. Not evil. Like she was a really sick musician. She was in a band, and she didn’t need no man either. She left her daughter, uh… Alexandria, I guess… with a baby sitter… AN EVIL BABY SITTER FROM HELL! EVERYWHERE THE EVIL BABY SITTER FROM HELL WALKED CORPSES FELL BEHIND HER. SHE WAS BASICALLY SANTA! Did I say Santa? I meant Satan. Sorry. Alexandria’s mum wasn’t aware of this, sadly, and left to go on tour with Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. The evil baby sitter from hell immediately called her boyfriend and turned on the television like all evil baby sisters from hell do. She… she… turned on HGTV… yes, Jimmy. Yes. HGTV. Horrific, right? Just terrible. I’m so sorry, Sally. Please stop crying. I promise, this story gets better. Alexandria decided to leave the house and play with a ball. All of a sudden, her fairy god mother (her mum’s best friend) showed up. She said, ‘Alex, dear. Your mummy called and said your baby sitter was evil. I’m going to turn her into a pie AND WE ARE GOING TO EAT THAT PIE AND IT WILL BE DELICIOUS!’ Alexandria ran in fear. She ran and ran and ran until she came across a small house. By this time, it was night… so she snuck in, found a bed, and went to sleep. She awoke the next morning to find seven lovely gentlemen, the dwarves that owned the place, had brought her fresh clothes, breakfast, and had even slept outside… because she was literally in all of their beds. She apologized but, they all said, ‘Nah, girl. You good.’ They were really neat dwarves, just like your uncle Teddy! She changed clothes, brushed her teeth, thanked the gnomes for their hospitality, and set out on a great adventure… and adventure to be the very best…

The very best

Like no one ever was

To catch them is my real test

To train them is my cause

I will travel across the land

Searching far and wide

Each pokemon to understand

The power that’s inside


Oh, wait… that’s not right. That’s the pokemon theme song. Sorry kids. Anyways, she got on a boat with some dude named the Dread Pirate Roberts, who took her to a yellow brick road that led to an empty house. She felt really tired so she went in to lie down. There were three beds… the first bed was too hard. The second bed was too soft. The third bed was just right. Just then, the three little pigs ran through the door and said ‘OH MY GOD, ITS THE BLAIDD DDRWG!’ Like that? I cameoed my way into my own story. Clever. Any way’s I blew their house down and took Alexandria to see Joan Jett and the Blackhearts and it was AWESOME! Also, Alexandria, next time it’s Kurt’s turn to be the main character. Sleep well. Sweet dreams.

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