Best part of Tinder is when it says someone is only 12 feet away and you look and there she is, up in the rafters, the owl of your dreams.
— Brother Berg (@bergified) November 19, 2014
A lot of dudes out there have questions about womanly matters, and yes, sports tampons are for when we menstruate red Gatorade.
— Amanda (@mobydong) January 12, 2015
Helena, why did you and Tim Burton split up?
"For one, he's kinda weird. He chews his fingernails."
So? Lots of people–
"By the spoonful."
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) January 13, 2015
Hey, that guy you met on OKCupid who took you out on two dates and then disappeared without any explanation wants your LinkedIn endorsement.
— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) January 12, 2015
can we get coffee sometime I would like to unpack how attractive you are
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) January 12, 2015
When asked how he felt about his Golden Globe nomination, Matthew McConaughey said he wasn't sure since he left his mood ring at home.
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) January 12, 2015
I saw a rabbit earlier and thought that's lucky. Then I saw 3 on my way home and was like the world is a series of meaningless coincidences
— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) January 11, 2015
I want to steal a calendar but the store will notice if I do. I think I'll take it one day at a time.
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) January 10, 2015
It is commonly believed owls can rotate their heads 360 degrees when, in fact, they wield the power to rotate universes below their necks.
— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) January 10, 2015
Congratulations on your engagement, do you guys plan on being annoying forever now or is it just like this 1 thing
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) January 9, 2015
LIFEHACK: Clog the toilet? Who cares. This isn't even your house, and those people never should've left that window open.
— Nate Fernald (@natefernald) January 14, 2015
Zoey Deschanel gives birth to first sentient ukulele
— Kendrick LaBlart (@Hamptonyount) January 13, 2015