Took 2 melatonin so I could have a dream the night before MLK day.
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) January 19, 2015
One of my favorite things about MLK is he made it totes okay to judge the shit out of people by the content of their character.
— (((Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) January 19, 2015
Welcome to the JD Power and Associates family. Here is your desk where you'll be rating cars or whatever it is we do. Lunch is at noon.
— philippe iujvidin (@philyuck) January 18, 2015
Fireball was invented by people who thought whiskey didn't burn enough.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 17, 2015
what do we want
LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES
when do we want them
— specialhug (@specialhug) May 21, 2014
So fun how men are sexy forever and women turn into disgusting monsters made entirely of spaghetti and bingo cards at 34
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) January 20, 2015
Invention idea: DayQuil capsules that are slightly smaller than a doorknob, in case anyone who takes DayQuil has a sore throat.
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) January 20, 2015
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) December 7, 2014
You're an amazing man and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you but imma keep sucking these cocks real quick
— Tam Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) January 22, 2015
All any of us ever want is someone to argue with us about where the Little Dipper is
— Sunny Mabrey (@SunnyMabrey) January 22, 2015