MISSED CONNECTION: You were Lisa Turtle. I was 9.
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) January 6, 2015
I take my men like I take the thermostat in my apartment: somewhere between 30 and 90, and broken.
— maggie mull (@infinitesimull) January 3, 2015
Sexting with me is kinda like cards against humanity. It could go really well and flow smoothly or I could also bring up the holocaust.
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) January 3, 2015
I judge people based on the first person they followed on Twitter. If it's a country singer or wide receiver you'll have to earn my trust.
— James S. Patterson (@JScottPatterson) January 3, 2015
There are a bunch of little kids in camouflage at the airport. Wait, that's my military.
— MADEbyJIMBOB (@JimbobPeltaire) January 3, 2015
Judas: still on for Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 5, 2015
the most effective birth control is explaining your tattoos
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) January 7, 2015
Growing my hair long enough for a top knot just to prove they're not attractive unless they're on a guy so handsome you can ignore his hair.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 4, 2015
For some, failure is not an option. But I don't like to limit myself.
— Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) January 4, 2015