A Night with the Mortician’s Daughter by @ddrwg


I awake in a strange place. The room is black. There is a faint light coming from what appears to be a door. It’s totally not a door. ‘Who keeps candles in a coffin?’ I say, grabbing it from its perch to use as I navigate the area. I am literally in a room filled with coffins. This is terrible, I’m going to be late now. My friends asked me to accompany them to a pub, but I’m stuck in this room. I sigh. Wait… how did I even get here? I look around trying to find the exit, but there is none. Only coffins. So many coffins. I wonder… are they empty? Maybe there’s a door in one? I walk up to one and hesitantly open it. What luck! The first one I open is a door! I walk through, only to find myself running for my life from a giant goat! What the heck?! I run back through the coffin door thingy and slam the lid because who wants a giant goat chasing them? Not me! This is awful and that was most definitely not an exit. Better try another. I decide to open the one furthest from the goat door… I hate goats… I really, really hate goats. Matty, if you’re reading this, I don’t mean it. I love goats. I open the next coffin only to walk into someone’s bathroom. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, GRANDMA! JEEZ! YOU KNOW ANYONE CAN JUST WALK IN HERE THROUGH THAT MAGIC DOOR! CLOSE THE CURTAIN! No, I don’t want any cookies. Just finish your shower. I’ll call you later. Well, that was awkward. Back to that room, I guess. I go back in and something is different… THERE IS TOTALLY AN EXIT. COME ON, HOW DID I MISS THAT EARLIER?! I run over to it and kick it down with my super-toned leg muscles. Behind it is an even darker room. This is the worst night of my life. Suddenly my mobile phone rings. I answer and clench my fist as the most beautiful voice I have ever heard taunts me for not finding my way yet. ‘What do you want with me?!’ I shout. There is no answer… and then all of a sudden I wake up. I’m in a coffin shaped bed… and there’s a girl here. What is going on?! Is she asleep, or is she dead? How did I get here? Again, I wake up in a coffin shaped bed… but I’M BACK IN THE ROOM I STARTED IN. This is beginning to frustrate me. Wait… there’s that girl again… holding a door open? Holy shit! It’s the exit! I run for it and dive through as if a tiger was chasing me… of course I turn around and there was totally a tiger chasing me. At this point I swear I’m being haunted or something. At least I’m out of that room. I realize that the whole time I had been in the local mortician’s home, which is apparently haunted, so that’s irritating. Better go find a priest and get this evil spirit off my case. Suddenly, I wake up in a coffin shaped bed. ‘ARE YOU SERIOUS?!’ I yell from the top of my lungs. The mortician’s daughter wakes up and says ‘What’s wrong, babe? Bad dream?’ I am never drinking a milkshake before bed ever again.

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