MurdaCorp Annual Report by @PJTLynch


[Transcript from presentation of MurdaCorp Annual Report to Investors, December 2014, New York City, NY]

“Hello. As many of you may know, my name is Jack Kingston, founder and CEO of MurdaCorp. I’m thrilled to have so many of our valued investors here at the stockholders meeting today. It’s because of each of you that we at MurdaCorp are able to accomplish all that we do.

But on to what you came here for: our Annual Report. Now I’m not going to stand here and bore you with a bunch of numbers. No one wants to hear some old man drone on about charts, and they’re in your packets anyway. What I would like to do is tell you a few keys reasons why MurdaCorp has been, and continues to be, one of the smartest investments you can make in the murda biznass.

First things first: I’m the realest.

I know, our competitors may say otherwise, and some of them have been quite vocal about it lately. But since the day I entered the murda biznass 55 years ago, we’ve been nothing but real. You won’t get a bunch of bullshit revenue projections from MurdaCorp, no promises of quick ROI that we can’t deliver. Instead, you get the most transparent, trustworthy, and realest organization in the industry.

Next: I’m still in the murda biznass.

At MurdaCorp, murda is what we do. It’s what we’ve always done. And it’s all we plan to do.

Sure, others also brag that they’re still in the murda biznass. But how do you define “in”? Look, adding services focused on entertainment, fashion, and word-rhyming may produce lucrative short-term results, but can such a company really claim to be focused on murda? If you’re trying to have a murda executed, do you want someone who does murda and only murda, or someone worried about what Drake just said? At MurdaCorp, we don’t engage in speculative diversification.

Finally: There is nothing fancy about what we do.

I know, it’s exciting these days to invest in a company that makes a flashy product that “challenges what we thought we knew”. Well you know what I know? Murda. I’m old-school, ladies and gentlemen. You’re not going to see MurdaCorp offer you a bunch of fancy murda strategies, with glitter or fireworks or neon tracksuits. We’re going to offer you what works, what’s always worked: shootings, stabbings, and poison. You know…murda. All that fancy crap may get you a lot of attention, but attention gets you caught. And that’s not good for biznass.

So that’s it folks: three key reasons why MurdaCorp has been, and will always be, #1 in the murda game.

But don’t think that means we’re resting on our laurels. We do feel the force of progress, and as a small sneak peak: 2015 is the year we’ll be going global. After 55 years dominating the North American murda market, and confusing our competitors in the process, it’s time to have the whole world asking how we does that.

But you, of course, already know. Because you’re smart: you invest in MurdaCorp.

Thank you, and God bless.”

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