Two men…well one man with a full beard, and another that has more than one hair pomade. One goal. Predict this year’s Super Bowl champion. Easy enough, right? You’d think we would just look at win percentages, defensive and offensive rankings, and which QB has the deepest dimples. But we’re not here to spew stats or talk about home-field advantage. We’re here to talk about the only factor that matters; on a neutral field, what mascot could fuck up the other mascot beyond recognition. Here at Daily Dangles, we’re tackling (hey, a pun!) the hard issues. Without further ado here’s some predictions you can take to the bank (Disclaimer: the Legal Counsel at Daily Dangles advises you refrain from taking any of this “to the bank.” Who the fuck even says that anymore?).
Broncos vs. Colts– So, we got a horse versus…another damn horse. Really, NFL?! You know how many kick-ass mascots there are? And 2 out of the 32 teams are named after a horse! Did you know horses can get sugar highs, and according to Wikipedia, horses are social butterflies? So, the human equivalent to this animal is a tween girl that likes Jolly Ranchers. So I guess I have to pick a winner, even though I wish both of them could lose. This is difficult because I’d imagine the fight would just be the colt and the bronco standing there looking at each other and maybe the colt just stares at the bronco thinking, “is this guy my dad?” I’m taking the Broncos because my mom said, “Age before beauty. Also, you’re a disappointment.”
Patriots vs. Ravens– This one isn’t so much about the Patriots’ strengths as much as it is about the Ravens’ weaknesses. Yes, a patriot has a musket and a bayonet, but it wouldn’t need any of that because literally anything can kill a bird. A pebble. An Alka-Seltzer tablet. Hell, my grandma once beat a bird to death with her purse….and she has crippling arthritis. The only intimidating quality about a raven is that they’re sort of mysterious. Poe wrote about them, they’re dark; they’re the goths of the bird world. Crows, obviously, are the birds going through an eternal emo phase. I’m taking the Patriots here, in a complete mismatch. Also, fuck birds.
AFC Championship- Broncos vs. Patriots
I know what you’re thinking: “a bronco wouldn’t stand a chance against a patriot.” And you would be correct. But let’s dive into the “why.” Is it because even the most wildest of broncos can be tamed over time? Yes. Is it because our society has basically turned horses into a car that you have to feed? Yes. The only shortcoming of a patriot is that you can make a hearty casserole in the time it takes to reload a patriot’s musket. So we’re talking about an hour, tops, for the patriots to advance and put Seabiscuit down. Congrats, Pats’ fans, you’ve just murdered a bird and a horse on your way to Super Bowl XLIX. You think you’re a big man, huh?
Panthers vs. Seahawks – Cats vs. Birds: An age-old matchup. Panthers are among some of the planet’s greatest hunters. Powerful, silent, and deadly, like one of grandpa’s farts. A panther could right behind you ready to pounce and you’d never know. But can they fly? Can they see with 8x the vision of a human being? That’s some Superman shit. A panther is a sleek, perfected killing machine, but when put up against a hawk it just can’t win. If I’ve learned anything from Looney Tunes over the years, it’s that you always bet on the birds.
Cowboys vs. Packers – The cowboy is one of America’s toughest symbols. John Wayne. Clint Eastwood. Fivel. They’re horse ridin’, gun totin’, stubble-faced badasses. What could they possibly have to fear from a packer? Everything. A packer, as in meat packer, as in a guy in a room for 10 hours a day packing can after can of dead flesh. That man has nothing left to lose. A cowboy has clear, hopeful eyes from the freedom of being out on the trail. A meat packer’s eyes are black like a shark from a lifetime of broken dreams. When these two go head to head, it will end with the packer going home with both a win and some delicious canned cowboy meat.
NFC Championship – Packers vs. Seahawks
This is how I see it going down: The seahawks will work in parley with the packers, bringing delicious fish from the sea. This will lull them into a false sense of security. Then one day when the packers have become dependent on the fish provided by the seahawks, they will suddenly cease to come. Weeks later, when the packers are dying of starvation the seahawks will return. Now the packer are light enough for the seahawks to swoop them up and carry them far off into the ocean to die. Birds are soulless assholes with no regard for human life. That is why they will win.
Super Bowl XLIX-
Why the Seahawks will win-
I used to be a camp counselor. One day I decided to take a group of kindergarteners across the street to eat lunch in the park under a large tree. Nearby, a group of pigeons roamed, hoping for the kids to leave some food behind. Then, out of nowhere, a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the pigeons. It flew onto the lowest branch on the tree we were sitting under and began tearing into the pigeon. Feathers rained down on us as the children screamed. Between every few bites it would look at us in contempt. This is why the Seahawks will win.
Why the Patriots will win-
I once saw the movie, “The Patriot,” in theaters. There’s a scene where Mel Gibson kills a bunch of people with an axe (not the guitar) and is given the moniker, “The Ghost.” A badass nickname and also how girls treated me throughout college. But enough about me being a virgin. I think the patriot will win because once that bird-killing bird gets close enough, the tomahawk will prove mightier than the seahawk.