Notes from my Accountant by @dwaghalter

David –

I’m glad you turned in your tax forms and documents well ahead of the April 15 deadline. Very glad, because we have a lot of work to do. Please review the following items and respond with the requested answers and/or materials where applicable.

– You cannot claim a kangaroo as a business expense, even if you keep “receipts n’stuff” in its pouch.

– Your “Charitable Giving” portfolio contained only Walmart coupons and pieces of string. Mostly pieces of string.

– “Mineral Rights” does not refer to your support for civil liberties for rocks, which has no monetary value (your finely crafted “Rocks Rock” picket sign notwithstanding).

– Cash stuffed into a Coke bottle and thrown into the ocean does not make it an offshore account and is not a sound asset protection strategy.

– Please provide official W2s and/or 1099 forms. The IRS will not accept submissions written on a “Magic Slate”.

– There are no tax rebates for achieving “Number #1 Dad!” status, whether signified by mug, t-shirt or foam finger.

– You can write off expenses for nanny services provided to your school-aged children only, not to yourself.

– State & Federal Rebates can be issued by check or direct deposit, but not in a sack with a dollar sign on it.

– A Netflix account is not a legitimate “Emotional Therapy Animal,” even if you only watch selections from the “For a Good Cry” category.

– Taking out your garbage does not constitute in-kind donations to The Freegan Society.

– I apologize that I have to ask such a sensitive question, but did you really have 4 babies and 3 divorces in the past 12 months?

– Stockpiling bulk-sized margarita mix containers in order to “Git my chill on” does not count as a medical expense.

– The USB drive you sent doesn’t have any relevant documents, only 1,367 selfies with your labradoodle.

I look forward to your replies on these matters. No, that is a lie. I dread them, dread them to my very core.

Best regards,

J. Aberting, CPA

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